Nepal from a state of shock

I'm back from a short ten days in Kathmandu and Nagarkot in Nepal. I'm still emotionally and spiritually overwhelmed from what I've seen and experienced, and the people with whom I became friends with or interacted. I remember each one of you, no matter how brief our encounter, that's why I remember you in this poem I wrote for you.

I wrote this on the flight back to Singapore.

12/16/10

Eyes that sore
Eyes that flood
Why are goodbyes so hard?

Eyes that beg
And those that burn
Aflame with ambition and hope

I look into your soul
And you were all blood inside
Sometimes seeping out from bandage
Sometimes blooming in beauty

Look into mine and you'll see, you'll see
A rainbow of hope and tears
We laugh together and fall flat on autumn leaves
Orange, golden, red

We'll live a better tomorrow
Look into my eyes, my soul
You'll see...

ultimate pwnage

I want to meet Jesus in person...

in the midst of my demonic nightmares
at night or when I am alone threatened by bad images
when I'm having trouble in the bathroom
when I know I've done him proud
when I am sad for my family
when I am walking through dark alleys
when I run to cry in a corner
by my bed every night before I sleep
in NIE and te years of fulfilling my teaching contract
when my mom grieves
at UP's Freedom Park to chill
when I sing or train my voice
every time I laze around on my bed
in the battlefield
at funerals
in the theater when they are screening sinful scenes
and bring him to meet my family
when I am giddy
when I leave this world
when I come back to life after I die

When I was in the Philippines, I saw an image pass by. I know the Evil One deliberately let my brain register an unpleasant image, though it was just split-second image. The image didn't come back, but two days ago, it came back when I was just falling sleep.

For the past two weeks that I've been back, I've been dreaming bad things involving murder or lust. It is Grotesque and in my dream I didn't think about God at all. These days it's not so frequent. I rebuke in Jesus' name and I don't let them affect me.

Last night I watched a really good movie. My only regret was that I deliberately watched some scary scenes though I knew my highly visual self wouldn't be able to keep these images away from my dreams.

I went to bed in the dead of night on guard and wary. I could feel that my room wasn't safe. The demons were playing with my mind, replaying some of the images from the movie and from my nightmares over the past two weeks.

In my heart, there was a strong urge. A voice to write this poem of sorts, to rebuke the demons, and to call out to Jesus. As I wrote the poem, the fear I felt in my bedroom was leaving. For the second time in my life, I was very sure that Jesus was in my room with me. I didn't feel his presence, I knew he was there at 3am with me.

In case you are creeped out, don't be. Evil exists in our hearts, and there is a Mastermind behind all this evil. Of course he is sooo angry he is tearing living people down right now, and he's super-intense about it because he knows he doesn't have much time left (Revelations 12:12). He accuses us incessantly about our imperfections and failures, he wants to devour us so that we cannot bring people under his control back to life through believing and following Jesus (Revelations 12:10; 1 Peter 5:8).

Yesterday I'm so glad Jesus won that battle in my bedroom with me. I claim victory not by my own credits (demons are not impressed by our achievements), but by the blood of Jesus Christ, which has broken the ultimate threat of death the demons have over every human that has lived on earth (Ephesians 1: 20-21, 2: 6-9).

So to sum up: Satan, you suck big time and you have no right to attack me. My Jesus has pwned you left right center.

the singing people of los baños

The only singing Filipinos I've ever met were the UST singers when they sang at the Esplanade Concert Hall in 2008. I thought that maybe they would somehow be different from the many Filipinos I see in Singapore. Their massively beautiful and dynamic voices must be partly because of their tall and well-built gait.

Then I met the singing folks from the UPLB (Uni. of Philippines Los Baños) Choral Ensemble. They weren't the Anglo-ish giants that I had in my mind, just ordinary folks like me who are really committed and passionate lovers of choral music.

Two of my team mates and I bumped into a group of them (Rommel, Jacob, Jedd, Jae, and Reg) at Freedom Park at the UPLB campus. They were just practicing some songs, chilling at the really chill park, and that's how we all met. Two days later, we were so privileged to be invited to their rehearsal. Nothing's like live good choral music, and their singing brought back some of the vague sounds and wonderful feelings I remember while I still sang with a choir in Singapore.

Then it was time to leave. The five of us had to head back for our next program. And then they decided to sing for us to thank my teammate for translating an Indonesian song for an upcoming competition. Listening to them sing was one thing, listening to them sing for us was another. It was magical.

And they were going to sing one more song, and they invited us to sing with them this time round. That was super-kind of them, especially when it was precious rehearsal time because they were competing two days later! In a flurry of noises, it somehow ended up with just me joining them. They were talking about a certain Singapore Medley, which sounds like a mashup of local folk songs and national songs.

Then the most beautiful thing happened.

They began singing Ikaw!!! I thought we were going to sing the medley thing?!

Ikaw 'You' is about the only Tagalog song I can remember almost in its entirety, thanks to the lyrics that some girls wrote for me while painting my henna tattoo. It's a love song by Sharon Cuneta made famous by Regine Velasquez. Some Filipino men like to sing with their wives at their wedding. I'm still wanting to know which arrangement we sang.

I was too moved and overwhelmed to tear, but I could tell you I was on the verge of it. I'd like to think that this is exactly how I would feel if someone I love got down on his knees to propose to me. Yes, it was that romantic and sweet and lovely.

Singing with them also brought back some of the old fears that haunted me when I sang in the choir. It kind of became a self-fulfilling prophecy and I probably sounded like a pretty timid soprano.

Yet at the same time, their loving on me really moved me.

Do you know how much effort it takes to sing well? It is a very tiring thing. Your whole physical body engages in producing the different tones and tunes, your mind pulls out what you have memorized and and practiced so hard about the song's technicalities, your interpretation of it, and its meanings. On top of that, you put your heart and soul into it - literally - emotionally. It's kind of heart to separate them because I believe singing is a deeply personal (and corporate) thing, but I think you get the point. It is very tiring.

And the song finishes into a momentary silence. We just magically connected looking at one another and singing, and I was very touched.

There was no way we could retain that gift of love that we both gave. It just ended, and it would never happen again. The same feelings, the same people, the same event...that's why I cherish it so much.

My only regret is that we didn't take a picture with everyone there!!! I want to be back again next year and hopefully get to know them more.

The UPLB Choral Ensemble has inspired me. I don't have formal musical or vocal training, I'm small and short, and I only started singing proper in 2005.

But God has given me a voice. A marvelous instrument that shows both how vulnerable, healthy, and attractive I am when I use it. What will I do with it? Jesus warns in the Parable of the Talents that he will take away my singing talent if I do nothing with it, but he will refine my voice by leaps and bounds if I use it for his Kingdom.

To think that I was out at Freedom Park asking God for people I could befriend and hopefully share Jesus with. God has proved to me again that he is in everything and everyone, with Jesus being the fulfillment of this lovely singing episode. If just a song moved me so much, how much more it moves me to know someone died on my behalf so I can live in freedom, hope, and love!

And out of all possibilities, God let our paths cross. What do you have in plan for our new friendships, God?

The UPLB Choral Ensemble
(via Philippine Chorale Wiki)

It's pretty sweet that I can watch their videos on Youtube and go, "Hey! I know him/her!" or "I've seen her before! We actually sung together." Well, at least some of them.

I love how God connects people around the world with their passion for music.

how will life change?

May 29, 2010

The plane just took off for Singapore.

Goodbye was hasty, and my eyes were shifty. Maybe I should have told people that it's because I'm only wearing contact lens for my right eye and it got a little hard to focus.

I haven't found the black pen I bought in Phils, but I got some kind words of thanks in return. The Caldosas have been so thankful, and they make an effort to express their gratitude together as a family. They amaze and inspire me so much. In them I see a glimpse of the joy, gentleness, and hope my family would have when they follow Jesus Christ. I know it will happen, it is just a matter of time.

Who would I miss? Jason, Salve, Ate Jonalyn, Ramon, Dado, Rommel, Jedd, Jae, Reg, Carlo, Marian, Rose Ann, Lorden, Ate Nora, Ate Viring, Ate Lo, Mathew, Anton, Aldrin, Ailyn, Mark Joseph...Maybe many of their names will fade away in my memories, but God, I know that you have known each of them before the earth was created. You oversaw them in their moms' wombs, and you want to be involved in their desires, interests, and wounds.

How will life back home be like? I will once again return to where I live, where my friends are. How will life change? How will I interact with people? How will I look at people differently? How will I interact with my friends differently?

I can't believe I left you. There was so much goodbye I wanted to say, I'll miss you.

my love letters to you

May 29, 2010

Oh Phils! If only you would read all these love letters I write to you.

Today I will leave in about five hours' time. It is both sad and amazing that every single combination of events and people will never happen again.

Maybe it's not about 'losing' these moments that will never happen again - they change me. These moments that fade away...they translate into emotions, beliefs, and memories in my heart that will change the way I live and think.

Filipinos are so beautiful.

an overwhelmed heart

I just got back from a three-week escapade to Los Baños, the Philippines to learn more about God, and how I can serve him through helping people. What I got in return was a super-fascination and excitement about the people, their creativity, and the culture.

They are so beautiful - the women so feminine, the men so charming, the youths and kids so lovely.

I have felt so much in my heart, and I still continue to feel much of it. And it is very overwhelming yet again, for me to come back to Singapore (is it because of her grotesque capitalism and her cruelly distorted fast pace of life?). Overall, I still feel very overwhelmed (in a good way) it is hard for me to put everything in words.

So within this week or two, I will put in here just a few of my journal entries for the last week so you can ease your curiosity.

May 28, 2010

I hate saying goodbye, but I still survived it again yesterday night. Dear God, why do we always have to say goodbye? Even in the perfect world you created, you intended for people to fill the earth. And that means people had to part from each other.

I thank you for helping me live in a way that leaves a good impression on younger girls, and hopefully they recognize that the beauty they see is the beauty of Jesus Christ.

I'm sitting on the floor of the jeepney now, crammed with my team. I see a beautiful view of the Makiling forest as the jeepney drives on. A view that few people see...the 'back' of the forest in reverse time. Even if we drove back along the same route, they would never catch the same view I have.

But this beautiful view is obscured by the silhouettes of my friends all crammed in the vehicle. What little I know of the Phils has been just as beautiful, though I don't know much about it, or even the life stories of each individual I meet. Mysterious and fascinating.

Mahal kita, Phils.

Barely the real beauty

Some of the beauty I've enjoyed this year:

Sunset at Green Valley, AZ. With the Laos and ISF for spring break; Mar 13-15, 2009.

Walking into campus for the first time; Jan 6, 2009.

The streets of NYC; Dec 25, 2008

Side-gate of La Vita House when I cycle home along 2nd Ave.

Riverbank of the Colorado River down South Kaibab Trail, Grand Canyon; Mar 18, 2009.

Driveway of Church of the Red Rocks, Sedona, AZ; Mar 17, 2009.

I love flowers with color gradients. They look especially intriguing (via weheartit).

My favorite flower: Mexican Bird of Paradise

Pinkberry: Green Tea/Plain with mochi, Graham cracker, and blueberries

Deut. 32:3-4

Can I be honest today?

My heart's been heavy since coming back to Singapore. I cry a lot. Three-quarters of the time I wish I didn't have to come back to face problems...alone, in Singapore, for part of it. You've probably experienced this before in your own way. An ancient old man who called himself The Preacher told me there are no new things under the sun though we may feel otherwise. The same things happen to different people across different generations.

Have you felt lonely, stressful and afraid? Lonely because the friends who listen or stand by, and possibly empathize are few. Stressful and afraid because the line between living Jesus' way and going astray is so fine. Satan attacks and is waiting for pride and idolatry to topple me over into his gaping mouth; God shows me answers and lovely love, and promises to satisfy me through and through when I thirst for him and seek him.

I feel some things happening to me now are such injustices. But God reminded me of a song that a weak and great man sang on the day he died, "I will proclaim the name of the LORD. Oh, praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."

It's awesome that my God is just, rewarding good and punishing bad. This is the God I know who will address all grievances and injustices of the world, from Abel, the first murder victim of mankind, Uriah the Hittite, the Sawis and their enemies, the Jamaican slaves who worked to death in merchant ships or sugar cane fields, to the Holocaust Jews and the many men, women and children who are mutilated physically and emotionally through various kinds of exploitation, under the power of bloodthirsty people.

Part of my plight now is a consequence of my previous foolish and selfish ways. God is just, and it's waaayyy more than awesome that his justice is bound in his goodness. That he heals my grievous heart every day as I seek him, giving me the words to speak wisely and graciously when I am afraid. He tells me his works are "perfect" and "all" his ways are just. It's not just the end result that's full of justice, but even the process of it - the entire way, the road leading up to that destination. And if I thirst continually for righteousness, I will be vindicated while walking on this road of justice. But if I give myself over to anger, jealousy, selfishness and judgmentalism, I will be disciplined and broken again, so I'd stop slapping Dad's hand away from the wounds that would have festered and rot long enough.

What can I do? Time and again, God tells me this...to praise him. And urge other believers strongly to praise him too, so strong it's an imperative, a command. To faithfully relish in his love and be overwhelmed by his goodness, and faithfully love one another, share Jesus with many broken souls, and disciple. God, you do no wrong, upright and just are you. Isn't that mindblowingly wonderful?

A Tribute to Broccoli etc

I'm home, it's strange. Part of trade-off is TERRIBLE: anchovies for broccoli?! I'd rather keep the most nutritious veggie than super crunchy fried sodium/calcium :((

Also, in coming back, I traded off the sky for claustrophobic living, singing birds to occasionally shrieking mynahs, Ginger for a skin-and-bone, abused neighbor's cat, talking to anyone on the street for 'pretend-to-ignore' Confucians, desert heat for hair-frizzing humidity, workout companions for running the stairs in solitude, simple and wholesome eating to erratic and overly-flavorful meals, occasional roaches to many roaches, mosquitoes, lizards and ants, the leisurely lifestyle for an absurdly intense and performance-based one (When I was at Narita airport in Tokyo, this man with speaking in a distinctively Singaporean accent told his friends to 'concentrate' all the bags in one area, and that they should only walk around for 10 minutes while he was going to 'orientate' himself for 5minutes when he meant 'window-shopping').

Is the Beautiful Country, as the Chinese call it, superior to home?

In some ways, I wish home would be closer to God's creation and appreciative of God's providence, and less holed up in man-made prison cells, slogging their lives away in order to, apparently, survive in a competitive world. And God was so gracious to have let me experience that in a small, special desert college town in the US.

But I also know home is home. This is where God has put me in to continue nesting my life in at least for the next six years. This is where I grew up, where I realized I was so filthy and cried and started following Jesus, where I became intelligent enough to appreciate knowledge and delve into God's Word. I'm not talking about national pride - my citizenship is in heaven. But I know this is where half of the world's Muslim population is, where brothers and sisters have lovingly poured their lives and resources into, where many unreached peoples are... So Singapore is a special place.

I remember Paul's instructions to the Thessalonians:

Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

I love you

How do you say goodbye?

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Rev. 21:3-4

2nd Gospel Coalition Conference

Spent a week in Chicago attending this conference. And I feel very, very encouraged and inspired after listening to the various speakers, speaking as a fellow pastor and student of the Bible to the many pastors and seminary students. John Piper never fails to remind me that emotions is a necessary component in spiritual growth. I used to have a particularly problematic view of emotions: emotionalism and legalistic obedience to be exact, alternating between either. But Piper has helped me reconcile the affective outbursts of the Psalmists, the Minor Prophets, Peter, Paul, John...it seems to permeate so much through each book: literally or metaphysically. He applies this to preachers and teachers as well, that whoever finds God's Word boring and sermon/teaching notes a chore "should quit". Rightly so, I believe - because the Word's ability to inspire, admonish and encourage is ignored. The Inspiration is obliterated from view.

Don Carson enhances this view by encouraging believers to not divorce the devotional and objective aspects of the Word, ie: our devotional reading of God's Word can be accompanied by studying it (as opposed to academical-izing study, making it a killjoy). He exhorts us to think, even during recreational or devotional reading, because much joy comes from knowledge. Tim Keller reminds me that the Great Commandment greatly values knowledge (funny how there is no mention of our emotional capacity).

John Piper's challenge is...challenging: to read less books (!!!) and annotate, mull, digest, reflect. On the other hand, I got so many free books from the conference! I would have got TEN more if I had signed up for the Band of Bloggers Conference, but I guess it's good I didn't - had trouble packing and lugging the books (and the complimentary ESV Study Bible) around.

I wish I hadn't fall asleep during some sermons, but even my falling asleep this time round exposed me of my prejudices and immaturity. God, thank you so much for showing me my pride! I also enjoyed meeting and/or talking to Levy, Billy, Nathan, Jenkins, Gary, Kyle and others on the plane and during breaks. I give ten thumbs up for this experience because of the Holy Spirit's work.

Read-thinking

"Imagine this scenario: Parents from around the world send their children to a rustic camp set in the midst of Kentucky's Bluegrass Region for the summer. All one hundred children became infected with a deadly virus during the first week of the camp and have but one month to live. Fortunately, a specialist who has seen a similar outbreak in New Mexico knows of a treatment: the Yucca cactus, when ground to a pulp, blended with vinegar and ingested over a period of three weeks, will completely counteract the virus and return the children to full health. 

Unfortunately, every single child finds the smell of the concoction so utterly repulsive that no amount of coaxing by even the best of counselors succeeds in getting anyone to eat any of it. To make matters worse, the virus somehow drives the children mad, prompting them to lash out in foul language at those trying to help them and to accuse their counselors of gross misconduct. Luckily, yet another specialist develops a serum that, when injected hypodermically, creates within the child an insatiable passion for eating the Yucca mash.
Now imagine that new of the virus reaches the alarmed parents. The camp director immediately sends a letter reassuring them that he loves all their children, that he is offering to all their children the life-saving Yucca mash in liberal quantities, that he will supply this expensive preparation without charge and that all children will be brought to the cafeteria three times a day and strongly urged to eat. 

Three months later, the parents arrive in the Bluegrass to retrieve their children. But at the campsite, they are stunned to discover that seventy-five children have died from the virus. Interrogating the director, they discover that the life-saving food could not work its wonders unless the child was injected with the appetite stimulant. On further questioning they discover that the director had chosen to inject only twenty-five children with the serum, though he had an unlimited supply at his disposal. To say nothing about their anger and grief, the parents are utterly perplexed! 

In chorus they immediately challenge the claim made by the camp director in the letter they had received, asking, "How can you claim to have loved the seventy-five dead children if you could have saved them but didn't?" We can imagine just how unconvincing some of the director's answers might be: "But I offered the Yucca mash liberally, freely and passionately." Yes, but all this talk about the merits of the mixture misses the issue of the serum! "But the children are to blame, since they ate exactly what they wanted and violently rejected my help!" Yes, but you fully controlled exactly what each child wanted! "But note how much attention I lavished on these children in the last weeks of their lives." And you call this love - to provide the most exciting camp activities to a child as she dies, while you withhold the very serum of life? 

The director's claim to love all children rings hollow at best, deceptive at worst. If love will not employ all available means to rescue someone from ultimate loss, it is hard to hear the announcement of universal love as good news. Indeed, it is hard to hear it as love at all. In our judgment, it becomes meaningless to claim that God wishes to save all while also insisting that God refrains from making the salvation of all possible [footnote]. What are we to make of a God whose walk does not match his talk?
...[In the Calvinist interpretation,] the true intentions of God cannot be discerned from his words."

 Why I Am Not A Calvinist (2004)

Jerry L. Walls and Joseph R. Dongell

On another note, I have about two to three books I've borrowed from friends here that I want to finish reading within this month, so I can return them before I leave Tucson. On top of school books and writing papers. Speedy eyes and spongy brain!!!

DiaS'pura and Philly

Revisiting Philly was great. It felt like savouring a lovely cup of crème brûlée nuanced with many layers of flavours - bittersweet with cocoa, XO durian and wine, rich like Naked Chocolate Cafe, and intoxicating like sundubu. Not to mention speaking Singlish, meeting up with Singaporeans (great comfort for any of the 5 Singaporean students now in UofA) and talking about things close to heart.

I really liked Sing City! 2 and the whole idea of DiaS'pura. Li-Anne Huang, Mirabelle Ang, Boo Junfeng, Mr Brown and Eva Tang. Of course, very impressed with Josh's super-proficiency in Singlish, and thankful and proud of Caleb, whose compositions fed my ears with a palate of different styles. Also, I finally saw Debs, whom I missed in California, with her friends of confused nationalities: Singaporean in Melbourne on exchange to Berkeley + Korean New Zealander who spoke Debs-influenced Singlish.

I think Josh has revived "cockanaden", though I've yet to see how I can use that in my vocabulary.

I spent a lot of time with Jon (Ong), Zhi Wei and Limmy since we were all bunking over together over the weekend. Talked a lot of nonsense, caught up with each other and made fun of each other. A generally hilarious bunch of people, except at 3am when people did homework or got attacked by the Dizzy Monster.

I speak as someone who stayed there only for a really short time, but it was generally a very comfortable feeling to be in Philly again. Walking about in Penn, around University City, past the Schuykill River into the city, and into Tenth and Rittenhouse Square. Washing dishes, laying on the couch, doing homework on the desk...even the feel of the carpet felt comfortable.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SPENCER!

On another note, I'm on to my seventeenth verse (Ephesians 2:8-9) on Jon's Topical Memory System. My favourite verse so far is still the very first one.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
Galatians 2:20

My trip to Philly was well worth it. I'm contented :) Looking forward to staying there in summer again after the semester.


Noodle Blues from Sing City! 2, on www.mrbrown.com

never bored in tucson

"Mexican Drug Cartel Violence Spills Over, Alarming U.S."

Catch all the action here in Tucson. Yet another reason why I can never be bored of this wonderful place. Tucson, I love you!

PS: had a life-changing time this spring break. I went for the fellowship's spring break bible retreat, Oak Creek Canyon in Sedona, and made it back from a 15mile hike from the rim of the Grand Canyon to Colorado river and back in one day with shock, fear and awe and brotherly love, and Los Altos and San Francisco. Places are not as fantastic as the way God was changing me through these events.

Again, I pray my resolution for this year, to be humble and weak before God. My Bridegroom, the Lover of my soul, print your words onto my heart and make it tender towards You.

(>insert Korean characters)

Yeejoo and I just wrote English lyrics for a Korean hymn! I will post it up when I have it.

Yeejoo is my Korean housemate who accepted Christ last semester, when he came here to study Chemical Engineering. He's been really kind: lending me his Macbook Pro for almost 2 weeks because my Macbook crashed the first morning I was in Tucson; showing me around the house; inviting me to Holy Communion at his church and lending me his medicine, which stopped my wound from further infection (there's scab yay! I love to eat scabs.)

I know there are copyright laws, but we changed the meaning of the song. I can't read Korean for nuts, but the literal translation has many cliche "praise phrases" that are vague, and it's a good idea not to use that as the English version. The melody is great though. So we played around with word structure, included the Trinity and thus the Gospel, and alluded to Psalm 119:18, "Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law." Yeejoo says the Korean translation of Psalm 119 uses Old Korean, which obscures some readers and caused others to misunderstand the Bible, so Psalm 119 is a tough nut that people avoid.

Very rudimentary. It's my first time writing lyrics, and I respect people in church at home who TRANSLATE ENGLISH SONGS INTO CHINESE. That is just.unthinkable. We kept the last two phrases because it was so beautiful.

For the sake of the Lord's kingdom and His will,
O Lord, lead me.

And...presenting to you the best of both worlds! one of my favourite comics+the scab that's formed on my wound (good news yo)

"a small scab surcharge"

that obscenity and profanity which I love

This is fucking ridiculous and this is so fucked up!!!

I was cycling past the field in front of the Old Main and this hostile college girl was yelling at the people at the Justice for All exhibit as she cycled past it. She was definitely hateful, profane and obscene, but so were the three-foot tall graphics of aborted babies, cut-up abdomens, limbs smaller than a quarter that shrivel up to an unidentifiable mass of bloodied tissue and muscle.

I've heard of more vehement responses...a quarterback from the college team confronting the Christian volunteers and workers manning the exhibit, wanting to tear the exhibit down because his girlfriend had been crying for two weeks since she saw the exhibit, people protesting with placards right beside the exhibit...I cannot help but wonder why people are so belligerent towards the graphic but uncensored truth?

Some Christians disapprove of using the shock technique to evangelize, but in a graphic, impatient culture that seeks efficiency and instant gratification, are pictures of the covered-up, hushed truth so incongruent with it? Did Christ not use vividly vile imagery to publicly scorn the Pharisees and the Saduccees, calling them "vipers", "a child of hell", "hypocrites" and "whitewashed tombs" full of "dead people's bones and all uncleanness"?

What about the most defamatorily vulgar and offensive thing in the world - the cross of brutal torture where my God, our God, became Man to bleed to death? Worse, he was abandoned by God because of our absolutely sinful state, which was more abominable than a woman's waste blood is to a Jew.

My Saviour says the world hates Him: "For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed" (John 3:20).

There is great reason for me to rejoice, for the cross I have been crucified on is the cross that Christ bore. It is one of shame, rude obscenity and nauseating gore, which, to people who reject Christ like they hate the graphics of abortion put up on campus, is a "stumbling block", a "folly", but to us who have seen the wonder of His grace, "the power of God and the wisdom of God" (I Corinthians 1:23-24).

And I know that I was once a liar, a murderer, a thief, just like mothers who murder their babies, Hitler, the men who beat 10-year-old Emmett Till to death and all who reject God. God is able to save, He is mighty to save us from the burning, tormenting hold of the devil, and I pray that God renew my heart to testify for the Light of this world, who has placed in me a treasure so eternal and joyful nothing can ever compare.

State-wide protest tomorrow

"Dear Wildcats:

The Arizona State Legislature will be making difficult final decisions on mid-year budget cuts for fiscal year 2009 in the very near future. In an effort to ensure that our students all make their voice's heard, The Associated Students of the University of Arizona, Graduate & Professional Student Council alongside the Arizona Students' Association will be providing students an opportunity to travel up to the Arizona State Capitol on Wednesday January 28th. The details are as follows:

Arizona State Capitol Trip
Wednesday January 28, 2009
Depart Campus: 9am
Return to Campus: 5pm (at the latest)
Breakfast & Lunch will be provided

25 buses will be leaving The University of Arizona on Wednesday morning, which means we only have room for 1,500 students of our 38,000 - sign up quickly to make your voice heard. If you would like to go, we need you to sign-up by Tuesday 5pm on January 27th. You can sign up by doing one of the following:

SIGN-UP:
E-Mail: asa@email.arizona.edu
Call: (520) 621 - ASUA
Go To: ASUA Office (3rd floor of the Student Union Memorial Center, directly above The University of Arizona Bookstore - open from 8am - 5pm)

Please Include The Following Information:
Full Name:
E-Mail:
Cell Phone:
Student ID:

Students who attend this trip to the capitol will receive a dean's excuse, but will be responsible for communicating with their professors about their absence and for all work that they miss prior to departing.

For more information about this opportunity please visit the ASUA website at www.asua.arizona.edu.

Bear Down!

Tommy Bruce
ASUA Student Body President"

My professor, Dr Kari Boyd McBride, from the highly socially active Women Studies department urges us to attend this protest tomorrow (how coolz). Local papers say about 2000 are estimated, Facebook has 1575 confirmed guests, 1908 may be attending, 4706 not attending and 5272 have yet to reply.

Most of the college students here work and study at the same time, so I think it's going to hit them harder than I can probably understand. Also, the U of A has been underproducing degrees in some subjects like Judaic Studies and Agricultural Economics and Management.

I thought about going, but then again...I think I'm better off reading books and hanging out with my friends.

Not that I'm apathetic!

O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus

Today was the La Vita House's weekly dinner and Joanne taught LaShondra, Dean, Yeejoo and I how to sing the hymn O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus.

O the deep, deep love of Jesus!
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me,
Is the current of Your love
Leading onward, leading homeward
To Your glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus!
Spread His praise from shore to shore
How He loveth, ever loveth,
Changeth never, nevermore;
How He watches o’er His loved ones,
Died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth,,
Watcheth o’er them from the throne.

O the deep, deep love of Jesus!
Love of ev’ry love the best:
‘Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
‘Tis a haven sweet of rest.
O the deep, deep love of Jesus!
‘Tis a heav’n of heav’ns to me;
And it lifts me up to glory,
For it lifts me up to Thee.

Then, we talked about the Eastern/Western religious divide, Obama, and eventually campus ministries and church. So it ended with Dean (the son) and Filly offering to take me to their church, Rincon Mountain Presbyterian Church (another good church in Tucson), for the rest of the semester if I do decide to go to that church.

So far, I have attended U of A's Christian Challenge, First Southern Baptist Church of Tucson and Christ Community Church Tucson (akin to Brooklyn Tabernacle Church for its heavy burden on Tucson, where only 6% are Christians and where most people are illiterate about Christ).

The only consistent fellowship I've been going to is the International Student Fellowship, where it's been a humbling and strange experience - because I see God not granting me my wish to gain even more knowledge on the Bible, but teaching me to practise my knowledge with His love and wisdom by putting me around equally vulnerable and lonely people, and by letting me observe how Christians here teach or talk about Christ; and strange because God is reversing the hopes I brought here to Tucson..wanting to be discipled turned to possibly spending time reading God's Word with non-believers instead, (in Jon Heine's words) helping to prepare the soil for sowing.

Also, I have been enrolled into the Tucson Memory System. I'm only on to my second out of thirty, forty over verses, but here is my favourite-r verse.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life that I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God,

who loved me, and gave Himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

Life-saving wisdom from old

"Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
As they go through the Valley of Baca
they make it a place of springs;
the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
each one appears before God in Zion."
Psalm 84: 5-6

I never knew that 'Baca' is Hebrew for 'tears'. It's counter-intuitive to group images of fertility and abundance with sadness and suffering, and to use these images to describe the blessed people of God. It's very uplifting for me to know that even if this very beautiful and passionate psalm, it recognises the not-as-palatable parts of reality and renders it beautiful all the same, because the more we are changed by Him, the stronger we are. And through these experiences, we see God and 'faint' all the more for worship and His presence (v2).

My Refuge and My Fortress, Psalm 91

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
the Most High, who is my refuge —
no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

I see reference to the ark ('cover you with pinions', 'under his wings'), bird imagery ('dwells in the shelter of the Most High', 'the snare of the fowler') and a supernatural, almost mythical sense of God's protection. While the protected one stands behind God in His shadow in war, God protects. He cannot see directly what God is doing, but he witnesses the consequences - he sees thousands of the wicked dead, not by God's direct killing (God holds a shield and buckler), but by the pestilence and destruction that He allows ('ten thousand at your right hand'). God is far bigger than a protector, He controls that which is humanly impossible.

I think our lives are like what the psalm says: only within the boundaries of God's shadow can we live, can we be protected from death. It's like M. Night Shyamalan's film, Lady in the Water, the monster that cannot touch Story as long as she's in water. We also play an active role - abiding within God's grace by loving Him passionately and calling Him in times of trouble. Then He graciously and gratuitously helps us, totally independent of what our acts are worth. And so I think if we take things into our own hands, it's like stepping out of God's grace deliberately into rotting sin.

Like the person in the psalm, I want God, and I need Him, because life and grace is found only in Him. I sin every day, and I was filthy and abominable, but not anymore because Christ sacrificed Himself to suffer God's wrath for me. So I can be confident that I am righteous and pleasing as I enter the Most Holy Place to meet and see God in my heart, to be intimate with Him. Just as the psalmist invites the Israelites to depend on Him, I know this grace overflows to all His children. And as God has commanded, our love to Christ is shown through our love to His bride: ourselves and other believers.

--------------------------------

I had wanted to write about my mixed feelings being here in Tucson, as I have shared with closer friends. There are some really terribly selfish, condemning or socially awkward Asians (it's way too obvious if I name that nationality which is close to my heart). There are also God-fearing, Christ-loving friends and strangers who have blessed me in many ways. I'm also very thankful that I can share my troubles with Caleb, who understands and empathizes, because he went through the same things.

I see the answer in God's Word, so preciously pure and sweet...old enough to be revered, yet never too old to touch the crevices of the heart and soul. Father, help me live the life of Christ by Your grace, beyond which is sin, trepidation and foul death.

this probably tells you how bored I am

I tell you three things:

1.
Dear American Beauty,
I think you should either change your brand name or stop selling Angel Hair. It's just gross when I tell people I'm eating American Beauty Angel Hair. And this is America! Non-blonde people are people too.

2.
Dear Arizona Green Tea,
I love you!!! My life's been completely changed ever since you came. You are totally the new water. One thing though, some people I've talked to here in Arizona don't get it when I say I love Arizona Green Tea. I suppose they think my English is poor, like "New York Statue of Liberty", "California Hollywood" or worse, "Pennsylvania Penn". They think you are just a normal teabag. Tell them the truth. That you are from BROOKLYN.

3.
Dear crustal plates in Tucson,
Can you please subduct within the next five months? My government says more land is fantastic, but I think too much land is doing your people, like yours truly, harm. My feet hurt from walking. We always learn to cherish something only when they're gone. Do your people a favour to appreciate you.

4.
Dear Sun Tran,
Can you make bus stop benches out of something else? Anything else besides metal. I get static electricity attacks from your chairs and they're just too cold for my butt. I don't think it's healthy for a major muscle of the body to freeze off metal benches and reheat on bus seats, then freeze off... Such irregular temperatures can create stress, and when stress comes, cancer follows. Surely you don't want passengers to get cancer because of your benches. Please do something about it, spankss.