greed rears its ugly head

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.

God (in Ephesians 5: 3-13)

People don't look ugly when they eat hastily. They look ugly when they are greedy, no matter how dressed up or affluent and charismatic they may be. Greed rears its ugly head in their eyes and mouth. And that is how I look like when I am greedy in my heart. I must have been so ugly in the past when I gorged myself out on buffets! Yet God had been patient to tolerate that while he changed me in that aspect.

Just right after we left the buffet restaurant, I saw the third of three poor elderly men that evening. He was flattening cardboard boxes that he found in the trash. They earn $0.14 to $0.15 for 1 kilogram. He would need to sell 142.7 kilograms of cardboards just to eat a few hours at the buffet place I went to!

I felt sadness, and guilt was creeping in. The guilt rhetoric is all too familiar: Why did I spend my money on a buffet when the S$21.40 could be used to help the poor? 

By faith, I believe that God's Kingdom is one of abundance as much as sustenance. He takes care of these countless poor people as they salvage trash. Yes, I have a responsibility for those in poverty, but they are God's responsibility first and mine second. To imprison myself with endless guilt over what I could have done to help everyone on earth is to play God, something that I cannot do in my limited and sinful nature. It will just result in bitter judgmentalism and pride towards those who do not 'sacrifice as much as I do'. At least this was my experience after holding The Absent Party in place of my 21st birthday for the Dalits in India.

I believe this is why Jesus sometimes spent the entire day without sleeping or eating healing the blind, sick, and the crippled, while at other times feasting with prostitutes and traitors. He was always showing people what God's goodness meant through his person, no matter where he was or what he was doing.

What place is there for guilt if in God's mercy and by his strength, I learn to live a frugal life and use the salaries he's lent to me to further his Kingdom, as well as meet my needs and have abundance?

I believe what God has said and proclaim this to you:

“Come, all you who are thirsty,
   come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
   come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
   without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
   and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
   and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
   listen, that you may live.
 ...
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
   come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
   without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
   It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Isaiah 55:1-3, 9-11

In short, I'm just overwhelmed and grieved. Who would have known that I would be shown so much from just a buffet? Yet I am thankful. The Lord trains those who belong to him for use.