you're still the rose

In my hardship, I could not see Jesus. In my heart, I could not see how He was good in the midst of one of the hardest times I've gone through so far. I lost my appetite, my sleep, a lot of hair, my ability to stand up and walk. I lost color from my face, and I could not smile for days, let alone laugh. I lost my voice and could not speak, and in the following two weeks, I felt two growths in my throat. My neck and head hurt too. But these were the least of concerns to me...because it felt like what I had lost was everything that mattered in life.

Though Jesus suffered my misunderstandings of Him, He has been patiently nursing my wounds. He grieved with me and comforted me, and sustained my life. He gave me courage to cut out without mercy things that hurt me, even though that was the only hope I had left. He is healing me so that now I can enjoy food again and praise Him with a voice that He so loves to hear. He has restored His color and radiance to my face, and now I smile and can laugh. In cutting out my own hopes, he is replacing the void in my chest with His hope, just like He did for Abraham. With his love, which is better than life, He recovered my life.

It still hurts, but He has been making me better and will continue to do so till I'm fully well. And He speaks to me every day about how much He loves me. Once, in my sadness and fear, He told me, "My child, you're still the rose". And just today, I realized that a flower which so captivated me three months ago because it resembled the English rose, was also known as the rose of Sharon.

It probably is not the exact kind of flower talked about when Song of Solomon used the term "rose of Sharon". But it is all so clear now...this is the seventh time that Jesus has given me roses and things related to roses. Today, I know that my Lover is asking me this.

Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.

And I say yes. Jesus, my One True Love, yes, I'm coming with You now.

Dear Dads

Dear Dads,

Without you, there wouldn't be us - and we don't mean it just biologically. You are strong even in the face of adversity, you are brave and full of courage, and you tirelessly work to put food on our table and build stability into our lives. How did you do that for so many years!

We love you and we knew so closely in our heart who you were even before we could speak...you are the man with the loving eyes whose voice we heard all the time in Mom's belly. You are the man whose eyes lit up when we peeped at the world after a good night's slumber. You were always staring at us with eyes that beamed of love.

And as the years went by, we started an imaginary war on freedom against Mom and you.  We started seeing Mom and you as people who wanted to control us and turn us into your slaves. The house that Mom and you made into a home...we saw it as hell. We despised improvements you both made, because hell is hell. There's no way you could have made it better.

Mom, being more aware of the things that went on in our everyday lives, often let her emotions show. Sometimes in her frustration and heartbreak, she yelled at us. And us (being the stiff-necked pricks that we were) used our budding creativity to try and bring her to breaking point. You were out at work, mostly, and if you were at home, you would stay away from the conflict to avoid making things worse. 

Years passed. You went to our first concert, our first competition, and every graduation party we had. You saw how we changed over the years, and you remember when we really started changing - we apologise, we listen, we talk, we laugh...This is so wonderful! Till the end of our lives, we are going to get closer and closer, just like how we were back then.

As for those of us who haven't really changed though we're now in our 20s or 40s...do you know how much Mom suffers? Her bones dry up from the grief within her. Her heart does not work in regular beat because she has lost so much sleep over the years. The joints in her hands ache from tidying a home that we now despise. Sad things make up most of what she says and she tries very hard to keep things in control.

We know you get undercover updates from Mom though you pretend to appear like you don't know anything. Because we inherited your bionic ears and Mom's. We don't want just Mom to be in the frontline of caring...especially if we have developed ways of thinking that are actually harmful. Don't tell her what you can do too as a parent. Don't leave the difficult conversations with us to just her. Talk to us...show us what it means to grow up into someone with courage, wisdom, and love, because we want to do the same for our children too when things get tricky. Then, change will begin. 

There'll be people who come into your life to support you with this, and you'll be alright. But if you really can't do it right now or not at all, it is okay. It really is. We don't fully understand what you have been going through. Plus, you never stopped loving us even when we were so nasty to you. What more now when you are genuinely facing challenges (and not being nasty to us at all)!

Please don't start criticizing yourself. You are already such a wonderful Dad. We love you, and we know you love us too. 

Love,
Your precious children

---

In response to the subculture of distant dads in parts of Asia and the world, where there is clear division of labour between...

the homemaker (often the Mom), who provides emotional care at home and is responsible for the household's everyday needs, and

the breadwinner (often the Dad), who is mainly responsible for meeting the financial needs of the family now and in the long term.

more than we can imagine

Jesus has the power to do the impossible; it is whether we have the faith to believe it. We miscount or undervalue its power to the degree that we limit what we would ask of him. 

Ephesians 3:20 (ISV) says:

Now to the one who can do infinitely more than all we can ask or imagine according to the power that is working among us.

Suppose you have a powerful steed or horse, but only use it to provide circus pony rides for children in a small compound, when it has the ability and strength to go much faster and further. You would be grossly under-utilizing the horse. Like the horse, the Word of God can do much more than what we dare ask or imagine. We have a big God but His people only ask for small things. The problem does not lie with the steed, but with the rider who chooses to keep it within a small compound because he think that is all the horse can handle. If we could just break free from this limiting belief, imagine what we can ask and believe God for in this generation!

Presence-Driven Donkeys (2013), Jeff Yuen

A declaration of war

Oh callused heart,
rejects help
rotting
But love permeates
pulverizes all walls.
Not to heal
but to give a new heart - 
not of stone, but of flesh

Callused heart, 
Be prepared
for your death








You can't say no.

Nothing, really.

Today I lost my wallet and was ruffled. But hey, it's just pieces of paper that I can thankfully earn back in greater proportions every month. It's just pieces of plastic that I can prevent from misuse with just a phone call. And the purple wallet that Mom got me - I know she gave me that as a gift of love, and even though it's gone now, she loves me all the same.

So what do I have to lose? Nothing, really.

And when I got home, I was chided for losing my wallet. I seem to lose something almost every year, usually my phone or a contact lens, to a lesser extent, my wallet, and once, my laptop. I was chided for being careless, and I cried. It's the same conversation, the same tears, and my same retort: "You need to be more careful. You keep losing your things, how will you take care of yourself in the future?" "I didn't lose it on purpose. I usually am careful, but I don't know why I wasn't this time. Why do you say it as if I don't care or I meant to lose it? What makes you think that I am usually not careful? Why do you think that I don't try?"

And then I go to my room to cry. Except this time I go to my room to cry, and write this.

After all the angry crying, now I know. The chiding came from a heart that was upset. How dare people take my daughter's things when they're not supposed to! It came from a father who wants to protect her daughter as long as he lives but has to gradually let go because I have to learn to fend for myself. He needs to know I will grow up fine and will be okay when he can't protect me anymore one day, and so he lets go…more and more, so I can learn to be an adult.

Surely these patterns of losing stuff and retorting need to be broken. Surely I have much more control over my things than I think I do. 

And when Dad chides me, what is there to lose? Nothing, really.

Surely my parents love me more than I know and believe. And Dad doesn't think that I don't care or try.

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 

Jesus

let's get the uniting going

Let me state the obvious and awful truth: the church of Jesus Christ has been split into many different factions who refuse to have fellowship with one another. For a people who claim one Lord, one faith and one baptism, we are not one church but exist in isolation, judgment, suspicion and condemnation. This is a sad and terrible situation that undoubtedly grieves the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Race, class, denomination and doctrine separate the people of God. Sunday morning is the most segregated time of the week. There are over thirty thousand recognized Protestant denominations, and many of them reject every other denomination but their own.

Why? Because we have adopted a false narrative that gives us permission to separate from those who are different from us in appearance or status or belief. It goes something like this: "If you do not look like us, act like us, worship like us or think like us, we are not obligated to have fellowship with you."

Anglos worship with Anglos; Hispanics worship with Hispanics. Wealthy people attend church with wealthy people; poor people attend church with poor people. People who believe the Bible is inerrant fellowship only with those believe the same; people who believe homosexuality is an acceptable lifestyle fellowship only with those who affirm same-sex relationships...

Do you speak in tongues? Do you sing hymns or praise music? Do you believe women can be pastors? Do you allow instruments in your sanctuary? These are questions we use to find out what people believe and practice, and the answers determine whether we can worship together. Some even question the salvation of those who answer differently. The sad fact is this: our divisions simply cannot be the way Jesus intended it to be. The false narrative... - if we disagree, then we must divide - allows this to happen and keeps it happening...

James Bryan Smith, The Good and Beautiful Community (2010)

---

"And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual people but as to carnal, as to babes in Christ. I fed you with milk and not with solid food; for until now you were not able to receive it, and even now you are still not able; for you are still carnal. For where there are envy, strife, and divisions among you, are you not carnal and behaving like mere men? For when one says, “I am of Paul,” and another, “I am of Apollos,” are you not carnal?"

1 Corinthians 3:1-4

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility."

Ephesians 2:14

clarity

Be stable. Find out. Be clear. Leave it if it's not to be.

It's not the end of the world. Far from it - "I have overcome it."

"I have done for you everything, my love!"

"The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still."

To love at all is to be vulnerable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis

This might just be the biggest challenge yet. 

Dearest God

For 12 years I had learned to believe that you were always out to punish me for any wrong I did. Never would I have thought that I would be one of those people whom I thought were believing in such a scary and unbiblical God. 

It's become a habit for me to always try and find out what doesn't please you, because I'm afraid of more punishment. Do you know how hard I have been on myself all these years? Do you know how heavy and crushing this burden has been?

But now I know. Now I know that this is a lie. Renew my eyes...the way I see you. You have never-ending grace that you give to us freely. You have a much bigger heart than I have always believed you to be. Sorry for thinking that you were stingy, had a narrow heart and a bad temper. It sounds funny now! But it wasn't for the past 12 years -

:'( 

Prince of Peace, thank you for setting me free. I feel so much lighter now. Who would have thought that I could be set free from this prison? You are much more supportive of and in love with me than I have always believed.

:')

"Your precious words intoxicate 

A heart that aches; it's ok"

finding God in everyday and irritating moments

Praying for whatever is in front of you includes praying while reading the newspaper or watching the news. Wars around the world aren't just news, they're calls to pray for God's will to be done, for justice to prevail. When reading political cartoonists and outstanding editorial writers, we can pray that they'll become instruments of truth and peace - whether or not they're aware of it.

Practicing God's presence this way, then, is not an escape from the world but an engagement of the world. We process the tragedy and viciousness through our awareness that God is active in every situation. In so doing, we find one more way of fulfilling the commission Christ gave us to interact with a world that cries out for redemption in the midst of chaos.

---

Some of us are afraid to tell God about the anger and frustration that He already knows we feel. Or we deny feeling anger because we assume that God and anger cannot coexist. Instead, we put on a "looking good, kid" image with God - we look good, we feel good, we are good. Anger and frustration are regarded as obstacles to be overcome and replaced with worthy feelings - before we talk to God.

To abide in God's presence means that we don't have to dress up our feelings. If we believe God is grand enough to love our flawed self, we can speak the truth to him about what we feel - anger at others, disappointment with ourselves, resentment towards Him, the Creator. God's presence can be a safe place to reveal our laziness, our grouchiness, and our self-congratulatory ways. God invites transparent confessions about how we pretend to be better than we are, how we avoid serving when it's inconvenient, how we care for our friends best when they make us feel good, and how we focus our energy and efforts on acquiring things - just the right belt, the right stereo, the right computer chip. Confession is important not because God needs this information but because we need to be willing to give it. In this way, our conversation with God becomes open, honest, and personal.

...

To ask questions is not the same as to disobey. Refusing to obey means walking away from God's will, as Jonah did (Jonah 1:3). Sometimes we, like Jonah, don't ask a question or say a word, but quietly refuse to do what God asks. It's wiser to offer God our passionate questions so He can help us obey. Then we're engaging and seeking God even though we're confused, scared, or angry. Our searching nurtures the passion that keeps us looking at God, talking with God, and listening to God.

But won't God get angry? God's anger did burn against Moses when he finally pleaded, "Please send someone else" (Exodus 4:13), but even then God did not act in anger. He acted in great love, designating Aaron as a companion to Moses. To what does God respond in anger? The most consistent example is His punishment of Israel. God punished them when they rebelled against Him by idolizing their life in Egypt (Numbers 16) and by worshiping idols. God's wrath is against disobedience and unrighteousness (Romans 1:18). Offering God our irritations is not unrighteousness, but a way to keep ourselves from unrighteousness. It helps us avoid outward rage and prolonged bitterness as we attempt, day by day, to turn over unruly feelings and inappropriate desires to God.

...

In order to abide in Christ and enjoy God's presence, we must learn not to pretend to be okay. Withholding our true feelings blocks the development of an intimate relationship with God. Notice how Mary and Martha did not shrink from speaking their minds to Jesus: "If you had been here, my brother would not have died" (John 11:21,32). Only Martha, not Mary, added the hopeful statement, "But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask" (John 11:22). Mary and Martha were rigorously honest about their feelings. Did their honesty irritate Jesus? The text doesn't say, so we don't know. But He didn't reject them or try to "whip them into shape" with a sermon. After comforting them with words of truth about the resurrection, Jesus went to the tomb and wept publicly, revealing His feelings of grief.

In the shelter of such a friendship, we can tell God what we really think. We don't have to hide from Him when we're angry. 

working out the Golden Rule

As the full congregation rose to sing the last hymn, Taylor looked around. Pew upon pew of prosperous, bearded merchants, shopkeepers, visitors; demure wives in bonnets and crinolines, scrubbed children trained to hide their impatience; the atmosphere of smug piety sickened him. He seized his hat and left. 'Unable to bear the sight of a congregation of a thousand or more Christian people rejoicing in their own security, while millions were perishing for lack of knowledge, I wandered out on the sands alone, in great spiritual agony.'

...

'Is the body, then, of so much more value than the soul? We condemn those heathen fishermen. We say they were guilty of the man's death - because they could easily have saved him, and did not do it. But what of the millions whom we leave to perish, and that eternally? What of the plain command, "Go ye into all the world and preach the Gospel to every creature?" ... What are we doing to bring them the tidings of Redeeming Love? It is no use singing "waft, waft ye winds, the story." The winds will never waft the story. But they may waft us...'

...

'If you all feel burdened, as the Chairman says, then that is one of the strongest reasons against a collection. I do not want your burden to be relieved by making a contribution here and now under present emotions. Go home burdened with the deep need of China. Ask God what He would have you do. If to give money, give it to any missionary society with agents in China, or you can post it to our London office! But in many cases God may want, not money, but yourself, or giving up a son or daughter to His service, or prayer. A collection often leaves the impression that the object of the meeting has been obtained. But no amount of money can convert a single soul.'

it's okay to vilify Jesus

Many things I don't understand. Well, I can understand why people do certain things, but I don't understand why we don't see that we contradict ourselves.

And I will place my cards on the table: I'm saying all this because I stand on the side of the One people insult.

We say that religions co-exist, 
But then we give nasty names to Jesus.
We say that there is freedom of religion, 
But we ridicule those who carry the name of Christ.

We protect the freedom of speech,
Yet we spend time trolling on YouTube
Leaving no videos about Jesus un-insulted.

We say all is right if nobody's hurt
But those who follow Jesus, we hurt 

We say we (try to) live by the Golden Rule,
When we hate the Rabbi who taught it - and lived it
Even if keeping it meant losing His life

It's okay to vilify Jesus. Great, even.

Because it shows, apparently, that we are:

Rational, Scientific, Intelligent, Open-minded, Objective, Independent

A Critical Thinker Who is Of Sound Reason
Enlightened.

And Jesus wants me to love these people sincerely?! And I'm supposed to overcome evil with good by asking God to bless them...no tit for tat? Surely giving them three-sixteenths a teaspoon of their own medicine is no revenge, no? 

Yet I know that during the times when I disregard the Love of my life, I do just the same. I deny Him and choose my own way to live, my own decisions, my own ideas, which are by nature at war with His goodness and love. During those times, I, too, actually believe that it's okay to vilify Jesus.

And each time I would think that I am:

Rational, Scientific, Intelligent, Open-minded, Objective, Independent

A Critical Thinker Who is Of Sound Reason
Enlightened.

Time and again I come to Jesus ashamed. Surely it's beyond pardon...I contradict the very love I profess for Him. Yet He says that He remembers my betrayals no more, and that I should not avoid Him deceiving myself that I have it all.

It is Jesus' sincere and insistent love that first so powerfully won and still wins me over, so how can I contain this love that was meant to overflow? After all, who am I, really, to not do the same for people - regardless of what they have done? 

the best gifts are ephemeral

woe on us

Instead of hating exploitation, we "hate waiting for buses". We "hate the hot weather" more than we hate oppression. 

Woe on our pitiful selves. We have become more concerned about arranging every little thing in our lives into neat rows and columns, than to act and live in compassion, demanding love, mercy and justice from ourselves and society.

Change is overdue. 

May our generation become less yuppie, indie, or faddish. May we face reality. And grief. And rejoice. And find hope, and value Love more than self-preservation and comfort, so we can live lives larger than our carefully curated bubbles.

Losing my Religion

For the first time, I read a book by Greg Boyd. And boy, it is so difficult! The reading was so lively and accessible and I've come to realize why. It definitely is difficult to live out because it is Jesus' way, yet it sounds so extremely exciting to live Kingdom life, which will fully manifest itself when Jesus comes again. On another note - I felt, for a number of times, an urge to cover the front cover with my bookmark when I read in public places because the title sounded anti-Jesus. But then I eventually stopped covering it so people could see the subtitle too: Losing Your Religion for the Beauty of a Revolution. That should do.

On Wealth and Poverty
I don't agree with a few minor points in this book, but out of the many, many things from this book that enlightened me and got me excited about living Kingdom life is revolting against poverty and greed. Jesus says that my heart is where my treasure is (Matthew 6:20-21), and Randy Alcorn totally changed my perspective on money by rightly
pointing out that we accumulate treasure in where we think it's going to last. No one in their right mind buys furniture for the hotel they're staying in while on vacation. Up till this March, I bought many dresses, blouses (unfortunately, many are immodest), heels and makeup. I'm a sporadic shopper. I don't shop frequently, but I splurge when I do. As a citizen of the Kingdom to come, it now makes no sense to me to pile up treasure on earth, especially when I'm definitely going to die and leave this pitstop for home.

So what follows my changed perspective? If I'm going out the next day, I pack my things and pick out the outfit I'll wear the night before. And I think for most of the time, what I wear should reflect this Kingdom perspective. I make an effort to spend money on others and God's kingdom. I resist the temptation to just 'buy something since I'm here at the mall' so I can measure how well my time at the mall paid off. I don't look at things in the mall and imagine how they would increase my worth by making me prettier, look more fashionable, more middle-class, more conservative and whatnot. And then lament on the fact that life is a little less awesome in reality because I don't really want to spend the money on that dress or bag.

Something was wrong.
Still, there was a big problem. My revolt against poverty and greed was beginning to look like ascetism. God created the heavens and the earth, complete with fruit-bearing trees so that Man and Woman could enjoy it in abundance. The Preacher tells me that for all the toil and "meaningless" living on earth, we are to embrace it and enjoy the fruit of our labor (Ecclesiastes 9: 9). Yet I was becoming stingy, unwilling to chip in to any more expensive but very unimpressive twenty-firsts birthday presents, since every dollar I save could feed so many more impoverished people, save so many more girls from forced prostitution and reclaim so much land that capitalists have snatched from poor farmers.

So when Greg said the memory of that Haitian boy scavenging through a three foot-high pile of garbage in Cité Soleil haunted him for each dollar he was going to spend on non-survival related stuff, I couldn't agree less. Guilt was beginning to consume my compassion, and as much as I thought I wasn't judging people, I felt dismayed towards those who were not living simply too. As Greg pointed out, Jesus' first miracle was for a party (!!!). He rebuked Judas for the costly perfume Mary poured on his feet and was often feasting with his disciples and other people, while there were just as many beggars and destitute people on the streets as there are now.

It makes sense to me that Greg said guilt comes when I try to take too much responsibility. These destitute and needy peoples are God's first, and my responsibility second. I can trust that God, being the God of abundance and source of all blessings, to take care of every one of them. And I'll continue help out in areas where I have been convicted to help in, where God has given me the responsibility to do so.

Also, my God is the God of Abundance. God showers his love on me - providing bare essentials is not his modus operandi (cf Philippians 4:19, 1 Timothy 6:17). I'd like to quote Greg at length.

If the Kingdom of God is about manifesting God's will "on earth as it is in heaven", and if Jesus manifested God's Kingdom perfectly, then it must be the case that it's God will for people to enjoy nonessential things, celebrate weddings, kick back with friends at parties, share an abundance of wine and food, and worship God extravagantly...Jesus wasn't taking a break from the Kingdom when he celebrated nonessential things: he was just manifesting...[its] abundance (139-140).

2 Corinthians 9:8 also says that abundance comes before self-sacrificial giving, and comes as a result of it, so I may always be doing good work since I'm living a very good life. Now I could choose between Package Guilt and Package Enjoyment: Guilt, with a dash of Judgmentalism, a cup of Constant Comparison and three cups of Pseudo-mere Survival vs. Enjoyment, and plenty of Thankfulness, Compassion, Joy and Trust. Needless to say which one!

My Jesus of Compassion
I increasingly appreciate poor people, uneducated people, intellectually or socially challenged people, gangsters, terrorists, delinquents, school dropouts, and other social 'deviants', because my primary job, following Jesus' example, is to believe and live the fact that every of these individuals have unsurpassable worth. Jesus died for them "just as he died for us" (112). Meritocracy has its merits, but sells the lies of freedom and equality. Meritocracy is not the answer; Jesus is. Their worth is not determined by their salary, nor their jobs, how they speak or what they believe in. They are not worthier, or less worthy than me because Jesus humbled himself to cruelty, oppression and lowliness for the glue-sniffing boy at the park, the President of Luxembourg, the serial rapist on death sentence, and me.

I'm from the working class. We try to live like we're from the middle class and most people believe it. For the past eleven years, I was ashamed of my family because they are people disenfranchised by the English, literacy-based system of today. My brothers hang out with social deviants because they are one themselves.

Can I say they experience so much frustration and sadness from the world and, shockingly, the Church?

I was one of these 'church people' myself. I judged them, felt they deserved the love-less treatment they were getting from the world and the Church because they chose to be socially and spiritually inferior. I couldn't wait for God's disciplining to come because they seemed so hard-hearted against every kind of punishment or coaxing my parents and I did - Why did I punish my brothers? You can see this self-righteousness can get so perverse: I genuinely thought my methods were even better than my parents'. I tried not to walk close with them and my parents or talk to them in public...until I believed a few months ago that Jesus loves them not more or less than he loves me. How radical can this be!

My Life source?
As Boethius says in Consolatio Philosophiae, people may resort to evil or do acts of compassion, but all strive for Goodness. Not all ways lead to Goodness, but the desire for it is undeniable. Greg calls these different ways our Life sources. From these sources, we find purpose in life, and our life revolves around them. This can be something as outright-ly reviled by evangelicals as pornography and lust, to something inherently good such as right doctrines. Right doctrines! Like Greg, Jerry Bridges and Tom Blangiardo say, we get the adrenaline rush, the racing heart, the butterfly in the stomach and we end up almost yelling in theological debates if our Life source is the right doctrine. Whenever I felt like that debating or 'sharing' Christian-y stuff, it was often something very ill-informed and foolish like "Worship music with drums glorifies God less because God prefers the organ and music set to chords, like hymns", or "Calvinists are the real believers while Arminians are humanists who use God's Word for their own interests". I was bent on winning, so the more I smelt victory the more excited I was. And this is also why I wasn't really open to listening and considering my friend's views. The truth didn't matter since winning was my Life source. You could imagine it was always unloving.

Even when whatever right doctrines God has been showing me, and whatever I've experienced of his love is inherently God-glorifying, good and true, I'm still an idolater should this become my Life source. God is perfect, and in him we find perfect goodness - that's why we call him God, not some name we give to another dude like us. God is Goodness, and he is the only Life source that totally satisfies and is right. And again, I'm reminded of sin's deceitfulness because even the right doctrines can replace God as my Life source?! Let's cling on to God, the Giver of Living Water and Bread.

Christus Amor
Time and again, I can't believe how love answers every trouble or question I have. I'm convinced that we can always start off from God's love for us through Jesus.

"And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him."
-- John the Apostle

Two things

What I've been learning recently:

I didn't really fear God, though I thought I did.
It is so easy to think it's the big things that matter because it's the major things that matter. But Jesus again reminds me of the perfect standard of holiness that God demands from all believers. Lk. 16:10 "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Fearing God didn't seem much an issue since the Gospel is all the rage now. While being "Gospel-centred" draws us to Jesus as the heart of our lives, our living, our pursuit for holiness, I had singularized its focus on forgiveness and gratuitous justification into the only concern for my life from now on. I had thought that was the only means for Christian hedonism, but I had ignored the many verses in the Bible that call us to fear God if we want Him to be pleased. Also, I had replaced a life-changing pursuit of God for intellectual Christianity: a voracious appetite for reading Christian books and acquiring theology which didn't change my life.

Here's how I didn't fear God: suppressing my conscience and privatizing or culturalizing biblical imperatives. God blesses us with material wealth so that we could use it for His ministry, but in my reluctance to part with fashionable clothes, fancy gadgets and hanging out at unnecessarily expensive restaurants and cafes, I decided to see only some people who live comfortable lives have been called to give. So many human rights and social justice campaigns call for alleviating poverty in different parts of the world - they got one thing right: anyone who does not have to fret over food, shelter and water, but have home phones and cell phones, Internet access, a computer, a decent variety of clothes, access to transportation etc are rich. What we try to do in defense is to deflect God's call for us all who are rich to give to cultural standards of wealth. "Look at him, why don't you ask him to give instead of me? He's richer than I am. I have a Toyota but he drives a Lexus!". If the world is not our home - us being strangers that are in the "contrast society" as Greg Boyd calls it - why use our money as though our home is on earth and we are here to stay?

I can share the many other areas I have allowed myself to remain conformed to the world, but that would take all day and I want to go to bed because something exciting is happening again tomorrow! Also, you might be bored to tears, haha. My point is, it seems to me that deliberately conforming to the world, thereby quelling the Holy Spirit's provocation on one's conscience, is a way of not fearing God. Sin is trivialized: gluttony, chocolate addiction, determining one's life's worth by how updated he is with movies and how many DVDs he bought, scandalizing others, pornography, immodesty and the attraction to immodestly-clad women...sounds so ridiculous but it happens to almost everyone. All fall prey, and with help from the Holy Spirit, believers have the ability and the choice to triumph over the world. Again I recommend Jerry Bridges' Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins we Tolerate (2006). Jerry Bridges is by far the author that has had the greatest influence on my life.

Just in this week, I have experienced shame from confessing sin, fear for my own safety, anguish at folly...my heart was shredded and mutilated. But beyond the pain and shock, I am so thankful that the cross shone so brightly again no amount of tears could blind my eyes from it. Because things are tacky and sensitive, I am praying for wisdom..and when I first came across Prov. 2, things fell in place: wisdom lies in fearing God, and can be attained if you seek God (which sin not repented of bars both the believer and non-believer from).

"and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,
then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God...
Discretion will protect you,
and understanding will guard you."
Prov. 2:4-5, 11

Lifelong singlehood is a very viable and desirable possibility.
A few days ago, I've had the chance to talk to a sister whom I think is beautiful before the eyes of God, and she pointed out that the climax of God's creation was the creation of both a man and a woman for companionship, friendship under the institution of marriage. Marriage and romantic love is sacred because God intends for us to see Christ loves the Church, and to the utter and perfect sense that He lowered Himself from heaven to be murdered like a lamb. I don't think many of my experiences of romantic love (infatuations, wondering what it'd be like if I were with A or B, relationships) were God-glorifying, given the measure in 1 Cor. 13, but I do know that romantic love is such a fantastic and unique bond - no other inter-human relationship in the world allows for this special physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy. I have sometimes violated this bond in friendship, especially since it doesn't entail responsibility afterwards. I am so glad because only Jesus is the true Lover of my soul, I can claim the promise of I Jn. 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I can look to the other side of the cross: the victory over shame, guilt and fear. So, I want to stop doing these things, and I know God will give abundant grace to help.

That all being said, I am seeing glimpses of the wonders of lifelong singlehood, not because I fear the possibility of being left on the shelf, but because my passion will be single. 1 Cor. 7:32 "An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit." If it is the Lord's Will for me to be single, I can be only passionate for Him, pursuing Him with zeal and joy as I get more deeply involved with ministry. The world, and shamefully, many self-professed believers equate physical beauty with romance and marriage like I do: one who falls below the cultural standard of physical attractiveness is somehow deemed less worthy and less expected to be married. If a good-looking person pursues only God through singlehood, this worldly mindset thinks that he must either have been traumatized by some bad relationship, have confused sexual orientation or other reasons that lament a perceived loss of using good looks for the benefit of romance and/or marriage. Now to think of it, this is just so perverted. John says all that is from the world is not from the Father, and vice versa. This worldview debases and distorts singlehood for pursuing God. Oh my goodness.

And so, lifelong singlehood is desirable and exciting. I am glad I have the chance to explore singlehood and serve God and others in the meantime. I want to be very glad if God brings the man whom I will be bonded with for life, and I want to equally rejoice (if not, more) if God calls me to pursue Him zealously, single-heartedly and unwaveringly for life.

Another two and maybe +one things I want to buy when I go home: a bike, the Qur'an, maybe the NIV Study Bible.

never bored in tucson

"Mexican Drug Cartel Violence Spills Over, Alarming U.S."

Catch all the action here in Tucson. Yet another reason why I can never be bored of this wonderful place. Tucson, I love you!

PS: had a life-changing time this spring break. I went for the fellowship's spring break bible retreat, Oak Creek Canyon in Sedona, and made it back from a 15mile hike from the rim of the Grand Canyon to Colorado river and back in one day with shock, fear and awe and brotherly love, and Los Altos and San Francisco. Places are not as fantastic as the way God was changing me through these events.

Again, I pray my resolution for this year, to be humble and weak before God. My Bridegroom, the Lover of my soul, print your words onto my heart and make it tender towards You.

Wedlock

Rev Malcolm Tan, pastor in-charge of Barker Road Methodist Church, spoke on I John 4 today at a truly Christian matrimony.

'...whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.' (v7)
All forms of love, even when corrupted or distorted by Man, has ultimately no other source than God. Because God is Love and He has, in creating us in His image, instilled this essential quality in us. Yet, love is the mark of a true Christian, and is distinguished from love that non-Christians can offer as God-enabled love transcends pettiness, selfishness and always initiates and does not calculate reciprocity. Only those who have been born again can experience God and love people in return. Only through Christ can we love. And knowing God is to have a personal relationship with Him, to recognise that His presence in our lives is very true and real. Mystics or psychologists may try their various mystical methods to 'experience the Higher Power', such as re-birthing techniques, but we often find these practices are not different from the occult, and turn out to be unbiblical. Love is the mark of a true Christian.

'In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him.' (v8)
True love is life-affirming. It does not destroy, corrupt or tear down. A Christian who has an extramarital affair with another man on the claims of love is not validated, because marriage is corrupted. On the contrary, it is sin. God gave the prime example of life-affirming love through the death and resurrection of Christ, that we who have been dead in transgressions have been quickened to life and joy again. Jesus made the dead come alive while on earth, and we, His disciples, are equally able to do so by loving, for it revives the spiritually dead. It melts even the hardest heart.

'In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.' (v9)
Love always initiates. There will be times when love 'runs dry', when we stop making the first move of affection or concern because our spouse, boy-/girlfriend (I'll term them as 'partner' in short) is not reciprocating our love. And we say that our efforts are futile and we become discouraged or indifferent towards loving him/her. But God has set an example for us to follow, that because we have received His initiative salvific love, we are to follow in the steps of this generous love. That means not being calculative or engaging in corporate worldview that focuses on performance, efficiency and results. This is why Paul writes later on, "We love because He first loved us" (v19). Following God's initiative, salvific love explains why love is a mark of those who have received this love from God; it is impossible for a non-believer to commemorate God's love through Christ.

In addition to setting an example for us, His children, we know that God always makes the first move to love us, not out of any merit or favour we have earned in our ugly, filthy state back then, or in our new lives that are still being trained and refined for His holiness. God doesn't calculate how much we love Him before He loves us back (a mindset that is realistically human, but petty). God's words never return empty, but accomplishes that which He has purposed, and succeeds in the thing for which He sent it (Isa 55:11). Likewise, we should fulfill our pledge to be faithful and to love our partner.

And the central truth of life-affirming love through Christ that is God-motivated and God-given is beautifully summarised in v12, 'No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.'

Summer Ends

What I did this summer:

Meeting God weekly with a group of friends
Sacked all tuition kids, except giving mercy on one
Competed on a daily diet of the same dish of chicken with rice

Travelled to Slovakia, where Asians were novelty exhibitions
(especially so when we were wearing ethnic costumes);
Salzburg, where the tour guide advised that if we were scared as the bus drove uphill
We could close our eyes, just like what the driver is doing;
Vienna, where insects and humidity never bothered the grass;
London, where cupcakes were made of bloodied hummingbirds
...and Piggotts, where lunch under the blue English hue came true!

Enjoyed quietude and greenery with Corrie ten Boom,
and then crying through the stale, greasy air with her afterwards.
Met Jerry Bridges and koinonia, currently also catching respectable sins,
Suffered from brain enlargosis after Don Carson's hijack,
Engaged as a temporary visionary fisherman with Joseph Stowell,
Know that my salvation has been WAY assured than AIA and Great Eastern's sneaky plots,
Attended a course on legitimate destruction with Nick Pollard,
and praising our Refuge in verse with King David.

Prayed for friends and with friends.
Sang music so beautiful I've never praised the Creator also of the Light invisible and intellectual that wonderfully,
Learning to love beyond the honeymoon phase.
Renewed to be more Christlike.

November 1

"Thanks for prayers that Thou hast answered,
Thanks for what Thou dost deny!
Thanks for storms that I have weathered,
Thanks for all Thou dost supply!
Thanks for pain, and thanks for pleasure,
Thanks for comfort in despair!
Thanks for grace that none can measure,
Thanks for love beyond compare!"

"Thanks to God" st. 2, by August Ludwig Storm for the Swedish Salvation Army, 1891

Thank God for another birthday that passed, for it marks full 19 years of grace, love and mercy God has blessed me with. It is indeed wonderful that I have learnt to thank God for all things sweet and bitter -it's not been an easy 19 years for me and my family- just like how the hymn says we should thank God for pain and pleasure. In light of this I was reading Psalm 139, the psalm from which another of my favourite hymns was inspired.

God is our Father, and I don't think how much more literal can it be than in Psalm 139. Isn't it amazing to know that even before birth, God has been taking care of us? He made sure that every in every nucleus of our cells, we had 23 pairs of chromosomes, and that in every growth of the embryo, we were safe and were developing as normal, able-bodied babies. David says "you knit me in my mother's womb" (v13) and His "eyes saw my unformed body" (v16) He preserved our lives in healthy wombs so that we could last three trimesters before seeing the world. If you think about it, how many babies actually get to come to the world?

Our heavenly Father has watched us grow from young and He is "familiar with all" our ways (v3). He understands our joy, pain and struggles deep down in the smallest crevice in our hearts. Even when when we contemplate to defy Him by sinning, He knows it too. "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?" (v7) Reflecting on the rebellion when I was 15, God knew I was going against Him. I was apathetic and even got defensive against His Word at one point. I skipped church, retaliated verbally against my parents, scolded the F word and partook in dirty jokes and fervent gossiping and maligning, and I even went into a traumatic, much regretted puppy-love relationship with a muslim. God is omnipresent, He was there and witnessed every one of my contemplation about sinning and the actual sins I committed. He could have punished me then and taught me a really painful lesson, like how He punished the 42 kids in Bethel. Yet, His love and respect for my freedom wanted me to return to Him, convinced and un-reluctantly. I sure did, after the constant probing and calling of the Holy Spirit- thank God. Like the injured lamb who depends on his shepherd after it was found, God brought me back, close to Him and forgave my sins. He loves me so much, how can I ever go astray again?

Every birthday is a delightful moment to accord especial glory to God. My 19th birthday has seen God's fulfilling of His never-failing Promise: "The Lord bless you and keep you." (Num 6:24), and going many more epochs back, the fulfilling of His promise to old, faithful Abraham.

19 years of preservation.
19 years of nourishment.
19 years of disciplining.
19 years of mercy.
19 years of grace.
19 years of tears.
19 years of smiles.

19 years of love...

and many more years of God's blessings! O Lord, surely "I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (Ps 139: 14) Amen!