Nothing, really.

Today I lost my wallet and was ruffled. But hey, it's just pieces of paper that I can thankfully earn back in greater proportions every month. It's just pieces of plastic that I can prevent from misuse with just a phone call. And the purple wallet that Mom got me - I know she gave me that as a gift of love, and even though it's gone now, she loves me all the same.

So what do I have to lose? Nothing, really.

And when I got home, I was chided for losing my wallet. I seem to lose something almost every year, usually my phone or a contact lens, to a lesser extent, my wallet, and once, my laptop. I was chided for being careless, and I cried. It's the same conversation, the same tears, and my same retort: "You need to be more careful. You keep losing your things, how will you take care of yourself in the future?" "I didn't lose it on purpose. I usually am careful, but I don't know why I wasn't this time. Why do you say it as if I don't care or I meant to lose it? What makes you think that I am usually not careful? Why do you think that I don't try?"

And then I go to my room to cry. Except this time I go to my room to cry, and write this.

After all the angry crying, now I know. The chiding came from a heart that was upset. How dare people take my daughter's things when they're not supposed to! It came from a father who wants to protect her daughter as long as he lives but has to gradually let go because I have to learn to fend for myself. He needs to know I will grow up fine and will be okay when he can't protect me anymore one day, and so he lets go…more and more, so I can learn to be an adult.

Surely these patterns of losing stuff and retorting need to be broken. Surely I have much more control over my things than I think I do. 

And when Dad chides me, what is there to lose? Nothing, really.

Surely my parents love me more than I know and believe. And Dad doesn't think that I don't care or try.

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 

Jesus

all cry out

I don't like it when they saw down trees. The chainsaw cries in reluctance because it is forced to kill. And then, all is silent as life in and on the tree ends. The wind blows and fetches nothing but silt. It does not sing - there are no baby swallows that cry, nor sunbirds that flitter. Nor squirrels or macaques that play amongst the trees.

No leaves to even rustle. And I grieve with the chainsaw for all the younglings who fall with the tree. My heart beats in exasperation.

How long more till the end of this? Sometimes I really feel that my heart cannot take it. Yet somehow, I always manage to.

finding God in everyday and irritating moments

Praying for whatever is in front of you includes praying while reading the newspaper or watching the news. Wars around the world aren't just news, they're calls to pray for God's will to be done, for justice to prevail. When reading political cartoonists and outstanding editorial writers, we can pray that they'll become instruments of truth and peace - whether or not they're aware of it.

Practicing God's presence this way, then, is not an escape from the world but an engagement of the world. We process the tragedy and viciousness through our awareness that God is active in every situation. In so doing, we find one more way of fulfilling the commission Christ gave us to interact with a world that cries out for redemption in the midst of chaos.

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Some of us are afraid to tell God about the anger and frustration that He already knows we feel. Or we deny feeling anger because we assume that God and anger cannot coexist. Instead, we put on a "looking good, kid" image with God - we look good, we feel good, we are good. Anger and frustration are regarded as obstacles to be overcome and replaced with worthy feelings - before we talk to God.

To abide in God's presence means that we don't have to dress up our feelings. If we believe God is grand enough to love our flawed self, we can speak the truth to him about what we feel - anger at others, disappointment with ourselves, resentment towards Him, the Creator. God's presence can be a safe place to reveal our laziness, our grouchiness, and our self-congratulatory ways. God invites transparent confessions about how we pretend to be better than we are, how we avoid serving when it's inconvenient, how we care for our friends best when they make us feel good, and how we focus our energy and efforts on acquiring things - just the right belt, the right stereo, the right computer chip. Confession is important not because God needs this information but because we need to be willing to give it. In this way, our conversation with God becomes open, honest, and personal.

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To ask questions is not the same as to disobey. Refusing to obey means walking away from God's will, as Jonah did (Jonah 1:3). Sometimes we, like Jonah, don't ask a question or say a word, but quietly refuse to do what God asks. It's wiser to offer God our passionate questions so He can help us obey. Then we're engaging and seeking God even though we're confused, scared, or angry. Our searching nurtures the passion that keeps us looking at God, talking with God, and listening to God.

But won't God get angry? God's anger did burn against Moses when he finally pleaded, "Please send someone else" (Exodus 4:13), but even then God did not act in anger. He acted in great love, designating Aaron as a companion to Moses. To what does God respond in anger? The most consistent example is His punishment of Israel. God punished them when they rebelled against Him by idolizing their life in Egypt (Numbers 16) and by worshiping idols. God's wrath is against disobedience and unrighteousness (Romans 1:18). Offering God our irritations is not unrighteousness, but a way to keep ourselves from unrighteousness. It helps us avoid outward rage and prolonged bitterness as we attempt, day by day, to turn over unruly feelings and inappropriate desires to God.

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In order to abide in Christ and enjoy God's presence, we must learn not to pretend to be okay. Withholding our true feelings blocks the development of an intimate relationship with God. Notice how Mary and Martha did not shrink from speaking their minds to Jesus: "If you had been here, my brother would not have died" (John 11:21,32). Only Martha, not Mary, added the hopeful statement, "But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask" (John 11:22). Mary and Martha were rigorously honest about their feelings. Did their honesty irritate Jesus? The text doesn't say, so we don't know. But He didn't reject them or try to "whip them into shape" with a sermon. After comforting them with words of truth about the resurrection, Jesus went to the tomb and wept publicly, revealing His feelings of grief.

In the shelter of such a friendship, we can tell God what we really think. We don't have to hide from Him when we're angry. 

woe on us

Instead of hating exploitation, we "hate waiting for buses". We "hate the hot weather" more than we hate oppression. 

Woe on our pitiful selves. We have become more concerned about arranging every little thing in our lives into neat rows and columns, than to act and live in compassion, demanding love, mercy and justice from ourselves and society.

Change is overdue. 

May our generation become less yuppie, indie, or faddish. May we face reality. And grief. And rejoice. And find hope, and value Love more than self-preservation and comfort, so we can live lives larger than our carefully curated bubbles.

confines of fear

Have you smelled the fear of cats trapped in dingy, dirty traps by pest control companies? They cry for fear of their lives and it makes your hair stand and your heart frustrated and anxious.

The Holland-Bukit Panjang Town Council of Singapore has reverted to aggressive cat 'removal' to appease complaints from literally a few aggressively animal-hating (i.e. shouting and insulting animal carers)residents. I do not use 'culling' because it typically refers to selective removal of cats with biologically 'inferior' traits so that the other cats flourish.

Cleaners appointed by the town council to do this dirty job have locked kittens in electrical rooms to starve them to death. A shipyard worker and his daughter rescued one kitty out after they realized the mommy cat kept crying anxiously outside at an electrical room for her baby inside.

Another one was seen being strangled by a worker. Others have just been culled by pest control companies in traps so dirty that didn't matter since the cats wouldn't be in them anymore. One community cat who had an ID/microchip was put down by AVA...so what's the point of the ID if you don't bother checking?

A neighbor contacted the President of the Cat Welfare Society a few days back, and the cleaners in our area has been changing every day ever since. While the cleaner used to say that he was appointed by the town council to do so, now he only said "I don't know! I don't know!"

The trouble with such indiscriminate killing is, the cats that are complained about are not caught. The cats who are disruptive and pee to mark territory are the street-smart ones that avoid people. Instead, the people-friendly ones get caught as they are the easiest targets. In this aspect, cat killers are not different from cat abusers. Still, the complaints keep coming in because the territorial, dominant cat of the colony is still not caught - or even neutered!

Wasn't Singapore encouraged to convert stray cats into community cats just a few months ago? In Bukit Panjang, this has BECOME not true even though it has been for the past 5 years. Here, the only cats that can exist are domestic ones - all community cats MUST be put down.

Moral of the story: how long more can you go on appeasing the few, unrepresentative animal-hating people? And what has happened to us who live in the cities? Have we grown so used to concrete prisons and sterility that any nature that is not domesticated is inconvenient and abhorrent? 


"I've been worrying that we all live our lives in the confines of fear" - Ben Howard


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June 11 update:


Great news! Holland Bukit Panjang Town Council decides to stop 'removing' cats from my estate and is now working with Cat Welfare Society and cat carers. It's also amazing to see how fast the person in-charge changed in his disposition towards cats, so fast it seemed unconvincingly...superficial. Anyway, you can read the awesome news here. 

Goldfish Eyes

Have you seen such people before? Half or more of the eyeballs protrude from the face. They have shallow eye sockets, a bodily deformity that causes their eyes to resemble those of a goldfish.

Earlier this afternoon, I saw this boy with goldfish eyes. He was about 5 years old and was at the seats waiting for his turn at ICA. He asked his mother if he could play the Gameboy (that freaky gadget that hooks people's souls away >:( ), which he and his sister shared. Naturally, his sister refused.

'Mummy, but you said after she plays, it's my turn,' he said sadly.

His mum then decided that the winner of 3 rounds of scissors-paper-stone would get to play that Gameboy. He won, but under the whining nuisance of the sister, his mum told them to play another 3 rounds so that the boy would lose and his sister would get to continue playing.

He was obviously disappointed and that really struck me.

Is it because of his extraordinary condition that God has compensated him with such a gentle and meek heart? Must it be that humans must be ugly-looking before they have truly beautiful hearts? And is it because of his meekness that people can bully him?

His mother's biased decision stung an old wound of mine. She knew her son was more obedient and loving, so she exploited that to keep his sister contented.

My brother was the most beautiful child in the family, but his slight dyslexia and weaker intellectual development made parenting so frustrating that inappropriate methods of punishment were used on him when patience ran out. Nonetheless, God blessed him with such a heart of humility and meekness that he would always be the one who helped run family errands or be at the losing end in friendships. Because of that, I remember him always having to give in to me and my other siblings, because he would not throw tantrums and could tolerate unfair decisions. Sometimes it still happens now. Maybe that's why he bears grudges and can get antagonistic at times.

Now that I've got past the age of wanting to be victorious all the time, I want to help mend this wound of the family. I don't want to get into petty tiffs. I want to be a blessing and encouragement to him. I regret only doing this after 15 years of biased treatment, but I suppose there is no true remedy for the old wounds except for God's providence and keeping.