late-night essay

Using numbers and time to motivate my lethargic self as I churn out a 1500-word essay in one (late) night. I cited twelve references and only read five specifically for this assignment. I also like the opening quotes I remembered/found.

Thanks ASLAN!!! I also downloaded one of the most influential academic and non-academic writings I've read so far in my noob life. The abstract looks too dense, the article is fabulously understandable. 

That's three more encouragements for my lethargic, ready-for-bed self.

192/1500 1.28am

313 2.08am

547 2.46am

644 2.59am

719 3.08am

798 3.27am

947 3.52am

1001 3.58am

1082 4.10am

1138 4.22am

1282 4.38am

1306 4.50am (to be continued)

BUT bed is only for clean people, so I have to shower and clean up first. Nooooooo

zzz

Thinking

So much has happened. I'm tutoring again and I joined the Navigators on campus. The Navigators have mostly been such lovely and humble people and I thank God for them. I finally checked out the new Jurong Point and the college for Martians called N.T.U., and it was such a sweet time of fellowship and nonsense with Mingyan, Joel and Hengyi.

And I want to share my thoughts over the past few months:

Spirit of Excellence
I started this semester with a hypothesis: is school in Singapore really busy, or is it just a matter of perspective? My classes at U of A was the most relaxing ever and I actually enjoyed school for the first time. Sure I had to write lots of essays - ten essays on top of weekly two-page article reflections - and read chapters for a class that was on three times a week, but school was actually fun for the first time. It was just like any other thing you do every day so you enjoy it. For example, I don't spend eight hours a day reading on the mechanics and psychology behind exercise and end up so stressed up when I really hit the stairs.

And after my internship, it became so apparent to me that most of us slog out of fear. We know that quality supersedes quantity, but we fear we'll lose out if our friends study ten hours a day, and we only did six. So we top up the extra four hours by going more in depth. And we fear others will see us as complacent, lazy people if we don't appear to be working all the time. I find this especially so in workplaces where your time is constantly regulated by superiors who secretly check on you. It surely doesn't sound anything like what a believer should do since our worth and Boss is already determined by Jesus Christ (Colossians 3:23-24), but we do it anyway maybe because we're conforming to the world's works = worth principle.

Which is totally unbiblical and illogical, but so mind-blowing to the world. I remember a friend got so offended when another believer friend shared why he did so well in school: "He who trusts in himself is a fool" (Proverbs 28:26a).

So maybe if I didn't overwork myself and idolize school as the (false) determiner of my worth, if I just did what was required of me (workload, critique-ing ideas), I would get school right. I wouldn't be doing it out of fear.

Halfway into the semester, I don't know if what I did was right. But I sure was oblivious of some homework that was due really soon. I still don't know if that was good, but I'm glad God put Ana, Jasmine and Kenneth in my life to show me what it means to be a believer student with the spirit of excellence. They do their work ahead of time, and they're great thinkers. Except that they are so gracious when it comes to accommodating less-motivated students like me...and I think that's the difference between a motivated believer student and a motivated non-believer student. God empowers us through Christ with his Spirit to not be entangled by anything and idolize them.

My average busy-ness has gone up by a notch since fall break ended, and by one more notch since last week. But I'm so amazed that as I strive for excellence in my studies on top of other commitments, God has been so gracious to help me finish homework before deadlines - sometimes a day or two before. I like to think of a semester as some fireworks that ends with a super spectacular release of stress ;) I'm so glad God's putting people around me to help me adjust back to life as a student here.

Jesus in the mess with me
George McBride spoke at the Navigators' about a month ago. Grounding his message on Jesus' washing of the Apostles' feet in John 13, he shared how we can all be in the world, but not of it as long as we dive into the mess with Jesus.

Peter wanted Jesus to clean his hands and head on top of his feet in a fervent desire to share in Jesus' sacred identity, since Jesus said Peter will be part of him otherwise (v8). But Jesus saw that out of the whole body that he already purified, only the feet needed cleaning again. It's our feet that gets dirty when we invest our lives in whom Pious Peter and my previous self would have called the deviants of society. I don't think my old self would have explicitly denied the Gospel to hopeless drunkards and liars who commit sin after sin, but I'd have thought so. After all, I don't want to be in such a dangerous environment that could compromise my own sanctity.

But didn't Jesus already say he would wash my feet when it gets dirty? And my sanctity is not compromised since he'll clean the only part of my person that gets dirty?

Then I was thinking about the horrible times I had when I stayed in a dorm as a freshman. I heard notorious things about that dorm and it was apparently the most notorious of all the dorms. It didn't help that I was staying in the loudest/most notorious block, right next to the stairs that led up to the loudest/most notorious level in that dorm. My bedtime was their 'peak hour' and vice versa, and I tried to fade away into non-existence as the ghost that in that room that always seemed shut. I wanted nothing to do with them because they were such ungodly dudes.

Man I feel so ashamed talking about my misguided opinion on that dorm. I mean, they are such fun and lovely people! For real. I regret not staying in that dorm anymore. And they have so much unsurpassable value in them that Jesus died for them too. It wasn't like I was the only believer in that dorm who was concerned about my relationship with Jesus anyway. If I had Christ in the mess with me, I know Jesus will be so big in all our broken hearts and relentless pursuits of everything else except this true Lover. I know God is doing work in their hearts through other believers in the dorm. He is so good.

Being such a FAIL believer.
Have you ever felt this annoying feeling? You know something is totally right and you should do it, but you don't feel like doing it at all. It's not like I'm still dead in sin and just by nature, expectedly doing all the things that God hates. I have his Spirit in me who gave me new life again and empowers me to break off from this endless cycle of filth and repulsion.

Then I remember 2 Corinthians 7:10, "Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." It isn't just enough feeling remorse 'metamelomai' but changing my mind 'metanoia' which then changes my actions.

It sure doesn't feel good when I can't do anything no matter how hard I try to tweak my sleep regime so I can spend the first of every day with my Lover. Or try to have sweet fellowship with him, or turn to him when I need help instead of dealing things my way or a friend's way. But instead, I get my head into boys (yeah, boizzz, why why), trying to get work done, try and be noticed on campus. It's like I'm just shouting MEEEEE!!!!! MEEEE!!! ugh.

All this oblivion...I'm OBVIOUSLY forgetting that God is preparing me for something great. He's preparing me for my portion in manifesting the Kingdom. He's preparing me for war against Satan and the world.

But here I am, in Denesh's words, snuggling myself into the seats at the airport terminal and making myself at home, not wanting to board my flight to go home anymore. Sure sounds stupid :(

And I'm so glad God is ever so gracious. Dearest Jon reminded me last night that "warzone is by nature unsettling". In repentance, we need to recognize we can't do anything to turn away from sin. And we're never meant to do it alone, as orphans left in the ditches by a Brother who left in clouds of glory while we suffer here in our flesh and in the world. All I need to do is to ask Jesus to please help me.

Oh dear God, I'm so glad you put SO many godly believers in my life: Jasmine, Limin, Christy, Jon to name a few. Thank you for listening to all our prayers. I don't deserve it at all and I can never pay back your grace.

YOU ARE TOO BEAUTIFULLY WONDERFUL!!!!!

Who among the gods is like you, O LORD? Who is like you— majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders?
- Moses, the meekest man on Earth, greater than Gandhi, before his death.

Cockroaches

Yuck, cockroaches are vile. On my way home, I had to avoid stepping on the land mines of cockroaches either
A) squirming in poisoned pain,
B) squirming in half-of-my-abdomen-is-squashed pain, OR
C) paralysed.
This was the result of the periodal fogging of rubbish chutes in the neighbourhood. I'm reminded of the many fascinating and repulsive stories and experiences with these pests. I'll share something close to my heart haha.

My parents are avid roach killers. My dad's the timeless roach hunter. He's been shooting rubber bands at cockroaches with never-failing accuracy since he was a kampong kid. There was once where I was brushing my teeth and there it was, this young, dark roach at the sink. So my dad went into the bathroom with a rubber band...and came out with the dead roach split into two at the abdomen, save the remaining bits that served as a hinge. One of its legs flew onto the bathroom floor and there was this murky green splatter marking where it had been. Yuck.

And there's my mum, the slappy roach hunter. She slaps the bugs with her shoes, so when she gets the sneaky ones, you see her slapping her shoe on the floor everywhere lol. Sometimes, she seals them in Gardenia wrappers and leave them to die in the rubbish chute. Mum doesn't believe in cockroaches being more hardy because they are two-brained since she squashes bugs entirely.

I'm glad to have my dad and mum around because it doesn't really matter that I'm afraid of them. However there was this one inevitable encounter:

This cockroach sneaked into my new sneakers then and I squashed it flat when I wore it to school. There was this tingly sensation in the sole but I never really noticed it till a break from squash playing a week later. The cockroach was partially disintegrated and absolutely dessicated. Some parts clung onto my sock while others were stuck in the seams. It was R-E-V-O-L-T-I-N-G. I almost puked, I had goosebumps and I seriously contemplated the idea of going home footless. I limped on the way home so as to stop squashing the remaining bits. YUCK.

Cockroaches are absolutely disgusting. They live in dumps, eat in dumps, and smell like dumps. They pretend to be dead in the corner even when they're being discovered. They don't have teamwork, neither do they fight to gain terrority. Even ants are much better- they are so diligent and patriotic to their own colony- though I sealed their new colonies under the staff room tiles with BluTack. The ants kept returning and tried to remove the BluTack for the rest of the day.

The moral is, I DETEST COCKROACHES. >:(

I hope the dead bugs stuck or lying around get cleaned up tomorrow. I don't want to step on them first thing in the morning!

Sabbaths

Do you remember what the Fourth Commandment is?

'Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.' Exodus 20:8

'Six days thou shalt labour, and do all thy work:
But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God:
in it thou shalt not do any work...

For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is,
and rested the seventh day:
wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.' Exodus 20:9-11

If not for procrastination, I wouldn't have to leave my lesson plans until now. Arrr...I thought I could get away from homework. My dinner is waiting for me and the fried chicken wings that Dad fried is beckoning me. Never mind the cough.

Hmmph...WORK.

My Results

The 'A' level results. What a touchy and sensitive issue, especially during that week of anticipation prior to collecting it. I must thank God absolutely because I wasn't bugged by self-imposed benchmarks and evident thought of fruits of longsuffering labour over the last week. The worst of what anticipation I felt was icy cold palms on Friday morning. (Wait but isn't it weird then that my hands have remained icy cold till now?)

My philosophy regarding results and achievements of any kind is: 'The higher you hope, the greater you'll fall'. I can imagine my students calling me a pessimist again. Of course, when you don't expect anything, you won't feel embarrassed or ashamed in front of others when you 'underperform'. But for me, I think that when I don't expect anything, I am worries-free, and I can give thanks to God humbly for the outcome. I entrust the outcome to God.

I got A for English Literature, Geography, and Economics, A1 for GP and B3 for AO Mathematics. (Arr! Ugly B3, but I deserved it for complacency.) And A2 for AO Chinese, which was taken when I was in J1.

You might smirk, 'Ha, easy for you to say - you did well. I doubt you would say this if you did badly.'

I was not a good academic performer in junior college. Check my geography results especially. I was getting straight O's before the D for last June's common test, not out of laziness but a lack of wisdom to study and answer smart. Thanks to God, I could still stand by the faith I have in Him. Whereas for Lit, I remember hating it so badly that I would purposely allocate Lit lessons as my sleeping time, especially during E4 lessons on boring Red Badge of Courage. Oh! and Lit assignments were handed in 2 months after deadlines. LOL. I remember Shu Juan Dao Shi (my ex-Sunday school teacher and life mentor) comforting me that I needed to make myself confront the subject and overcome it, since it's God's Will for me to do so. As for Economics, Mrs Yap has made me live in fear as her student, struggling to survive in the tough competition and stress she gives. Through fine-tuning my essays, thanks to Olie, Si, JT and Sher, I saw a rising trend in the grades Mrs Yap gave through each essay.

As for GP, I guess I put in hard work out of empathy for Miss Low. I decided to be her goody two-shoes to release her stress of teaching a crazy class that celebrates her birthday every now and then. LOL! Not putting my beloved class in a bad light here however. With my varying experiences from sheer nerdy, eye circle-inducing and unkempt hair-frizzing diligence to initial nonchalance and repulse, my philosophy worked - have great faith in our Father! Will He give us a stone instead of bread? Confront that which is unwished for in life with the faith that He will carry you through. Seek for improvement in humility to glorify God's name in your areas of talent. :)

As a teacher now, I can finally understand how Miss Low and Mr Ng feel at times. That frustration you get when you are not in sync with your lesson plans, the stress to remain comparable to your colleagues (BECAUSE STUDENTS COMPARE THEIR TEACHERS >:( ), the woes from doubting your own teaching abilities...

And, I must clear Mr Ng's name here. Don't laugh but I think he is like a raw diamond - he merely needs time to learn how to teach and convey what he has to share to us. Underneath all the awkward concentration exercises and reprimanding, he is after all, only a human like you and me. And he helped me loads and loads for discursive essays and provoking deeper thoughts for my E1 texts. So don't be prejudiced. He helped me in getting my A for Lit okay!

I think I have ranted/shared enough. To end off the ACJC chapter in my life, I'll share a very precious Bible verse.

'In every thing give thanks: for this is the Will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.'

I Thessalonians 5:18

My 2007

My 2007 will generally be that of a typical A level graduate. This means working for the first semester of the year, then going for a vacation before university starts in August. Nonetheless, I am glad and thankful that God has blessed me with something normal. At least I can share my joys and woes with other people.

Here's just a little update on what I have and will be doing. I'm currently learning Music Theory from Livia Gho and learning how to play the violin. I'm taking the Grade 2 violin practical next July and Grade 3 theory examination on November 3, not mentioning a competition for the school's students. Imagine competing against the kids! My teacher commented that I can even win the competition! Because kids 'play the G string (first string) like cows being slaughtered and play the E string (last string) like chickens being killed'. Haha.

I suppose some people would raise eyebrows at my reading of music at such a late age. I lose years of potential which could have been discovered and developed at young age. However I gain so much more in return. I gain the motivation, interest and initiative to practise because I read music on my own accord. I gain a love for sports since I wasn't interested in serious music-making in the past. This saves me from becoming a totally unfit and flabby person. (Sorry that was my past impression of a no-sports person haha.) Plus, I get to skip grades!

Thank you ACJC choir. All that laying of musical foundation through sectional meetings, rehearsals and fast-speed learning sharpens my musicality, not mentioning the ability to skip grade 1 and 2 for theory! Haha. What I need to do is to incorporate the violin into a part of my body, and figure out how to play like I sing. That is tricky but I'm excited to learn.

And then there's the relief teaching. So, I realised I'm teaching Secondary 3 Social Studies, not Geography, because they only teach the latter in the second semester. : ( It's no fun without having rocks and rivers around. I never liked Social Studies. Thanks to God my Combined Humanities Grade jumped from a C6 during the prelims to a B3 for the O's. I suppose I'm beginning to rediscover North Ireland and the social segregational problems. It can be very interesting, especially when I relate it to war literature, economics and geography. What I need to do is to convey to the students that what we learn is very relevant. How many of us realise that only after we stop studying a subject!

The staff at CTSS is very helpful - they remind me of the madams back in the ACJC office, who are always so willing to care and go the extra mile for an anonymity over the phone. One of my English Department colleagues was from ACJC Class of 1994. Another one is the sister of Jamie, that tall badminton guy from 2SC9, my year. There certainly is a feeling of connectedness and intimacy when I know that I have friends who are connected to AC in one way or another. My mentor is Mrs Chua, the English HOD, a tall madam who likes to laugh and joke, babysit me and my fellow relief teachers, remind us that we work not for money, giving us commitments as if we're permanent teachers, and can fall asleep during long talks like any one else. Her humble character teaches me that her status does not make her someone different. She's just like anyone else! That's why we treat her with respect, sincerity and honesty in return.

And I did mention before, June is for the North Thailand trip. Is the college choir going on tour next year? If they are, I'll consider going too. That would make a two-trip vacation that should occupy the whole month!

And I shan't forget that 2AA3 will have gatherings (definitely more than 3) scattered over the calendar. Right? Haha.

A Trip to Our Neighbour's Land

Malaysia is just across the causeway and I thought any trip there would be normal and not worth mentioning.

Except for the food of course. My camera is spoilt, so I've no pictures to offer. Haha.
Should you go to Malaysia, enter via the Causeway so you can taste the delectable, crispy peanut pancakes sold by the street. Get across to the Mobil station via the underpass (only when it's lit) or jaywalk. Left of the petrol station is Restoran Lucky. In front of it is a roadside stall that sells thin crispy peanut pancakes at 2 for RM1.00 and closes at 9pm.

The pancakes taste tons better than the ones from Dover Pancake. They are made the traditional way, using a paintbrush to slowly and evenly spread the dough over 8 metal pan-like depressions. Then, coarse-grained sugar and peanut bits of a size easy to eat while maintaining the crunch are spread over the pancakes. If the uncle makes them, he'll add butter to give the taste a fuller body. Somehow, he will know when the pancakes are done and skilfully lifts them out.

I personally prefer the auntie's version because with no butter, the taste is simpler and the food doesn't go soggy for a long time. Oh, and the crust is thinner than 0.3cm and the bits don't fall out! I like to have 2 each time, but for guys, 4 would be nice. : )

Who can not equate Malaysia with shopping? Lots of street clothes (Haz, you'll love them!) at pseudo-Level One innercity, City Square Johor Bahru, with prices comparable and even cheaper than those at Bugis Street. We shopped like mad, but I think I can go madder. Haha. And I thought our class was supposed to go for a trip there? At least the girls.

What amused me quite a bit was a hawker centre called Restoran Lian Boy, whose oxymoronic name is supposed to mean Lion Boy. LOL. That kind of reminds me David Charles, whom Geoff said was called Ah Lian in ACSI. LOL for the second time.

Oh, and I saw a landslid site! All the related geographical terms, concepts and diagrams came to my mind's eye at that instant. You could actually see the successive minor scarps and the smooth arcuate scars. If I took a picture of that for the Geography assignment, I'm pretty sure my group would have gotten a perfect score. But 9 is great too. Haha.

I am extremely looking forward to my backpacking trip to North Thailand. I can almost imagine the scenery, food and clothes beckoning me already, save the mosquitoes and the flies that don't get shooed away despite desperate hand-swatting.

But before that, I'll have to earn my keep by teaching Sec1 English and Sec3 Geography at Clementi Town Secondary. Shoe selling at Level One gives you a $1350 pay per month, but it's too late to back out. Haha. Teaching and shopping, here I come!