waking up to death of a small baby

What a cute cat! We had a new baby around the block that looked like this. It belonged to a pair of strays in my area, except that it had blue-green eyes.

(via meejoebee)

When it was born a month ago, it was mewing and mewing while mom went out to find food the whole day so she could nurse it and its other one or two siblings. I never saw them personally until they were about a week-old, but my mom did. She would peer out of the window every day for countless times. When it was about to storm, her heart ached and went out to kitty's mom who hunted for space underneath a car safe enough for her one remaining kitty to play and rest in.

Kitty was one active and playful baby. Once when it started walking, its mom wanted to carry it, but it ducked so that it could walk. Haha! And its mom who had nursed many babies before it was careful to defend it from people. She made good effort to give a good long hiss at us even when we brought food or we just stopped by to look. She wanted as little attention as possible...I guess that tells you how much unwanted attention she's got from people.

And late this morning my mom woke me up to say that a car just drove over kitty. Like literally a moment ago. Kitty liked to play on the wheel, and my mom said Kitty's mom had meowed at it many times to tell it to come down cos it was dangerous. Today, what Kitty's mom feared came true..the wheel rolled over kitty who was playing right on it.

It was spasming in pain for a while and lay limp. Its eyes came out of the socket and blood rolled across the eyeballs. Its tongue was out in foam, and its hairs all stood up - muscle contraction symptomatic of physical death. Its mom licked it once in the tummy and it spasmed for a while, like a baby who jerks for a bit while sleeping.

When I rushed down to look (and my mom for the second time), the sight was more sad than morbid. Kitty's mom hissed at me again and I just looked from afar. The feeling of death.

It was so limp. Now I saw in detail its small paws, with the black paw prints on it. So small and tender, almost like a teddy bear. I couldn't bear to see its distorted face. Squatting and looking at it from its back, this baby looked like it just fell asleep.

Even with so much affection, I couldn't bear to carry the baby to a grass patch away from that parking lot. It was a baby, and it was dead. I felt so uncomfortable, as if the sleeping baby had somehow turned into a morbid body in my mind. My mom, as brave as she is, cringed. She tried to lift the baby by its limp and soft tail, but picked it up on its baby paws instead.

The cleaner in our area knew what happened, and I pleaded him to leave the baby there for its parents. But he came by after we left and dumped it in his trashcart. Its dad and mom were there and came over to sniff where it died to figure out what happened...there goes a month of its mom's intense loving care and protection, and two months of growing it in the womb.

Many kittens in urban areas die within five months of being born from car accidents or trauma.

Death, what a strange thing. Jesus, will there be cats in your new Kingdom?

with my bro and his dawgs

Jamming with my bro Tim and his army friends for the first time. Tim is the guitarist on my right! The sound quality is imbalanced, but it was otherwise awesome and super fun!

This is my first time jamming in a studio, my first time singing with a rapper. Props to Aloy who actually plays guitar, but decided to rap instead since we were covering these songs.


Love the Way You Lie, Rihanna ft. Eminem
(Camel, Tim, me, Aloy, David)


Airplanes, B.O.B. ft. Hayley Williams

P.S.: I was actually singing with a throat very sore from belting very low notes for fun before that (not gonna do it again T.T). Only God can make such a hurt throat function so well!

Love

Jaeson Ma, ft. Bruno Mars

taking the rap

Work has still been fun after a month proper. Of course there are some unpleasant moments but that definitely cannot discount the overall fun. I'll tell you what happened today while sparing you the notsonecessary details.

I was scolded for doing something wrongly though I probably wasn't the person who started it. I must say that a thought did pass me that I should correct it halfway but I ignored it. So it's kind of messy: you can't put a finger to a single person and say, "Ha! You're the culprit. You're wrong."

For maybe like the next twenty minutes, I felt bullied and unjust. The 'scolder' (lol) didn't know the whole story, neither did I. I wasn't smiley as I washed the dishes, and I swallowed whatever tears that was going to come outttt.

Why was I even taking the rap for something that I might not have done? This is not the first time.

I refused to find out whoever started it, and I still do. Not for fear that the culprit might really end up to be me, but because this 'not me' attitude of the world is so poisonously self-preserving.

Then I saw this string of words appear in my mind: "Friendship is taking the rap."

And I don't have to tell the culprit I am taking his/her rap, because I don't want to find out who in the first place. My motives would be more condemning than redemptive if I did.

As I washed the dishes and swallowed my unhappiness, I became more and more convinced that by taking the rap, it was really good for me and the Kingdom of God. The old, self-preserving Daphne dies (since no one can bully a corpse). The new Daphne's focus is kept on eternity since God will bring all these out on the table again for scrutiny and judgment, and all I do now better be up for that, with the righteousness and spiritual riches Christ has given to me.

Then BAM, this thought came that said, "Jesus also took the rap for all of us working here". I believe Jesus would have done the same if he worked here at my workplace.

In my heart, I asked God for comfort, whether I'm the culprit or not. And I thought it would be nice if Train's Hey Soul Sister came up on the radio since it sounded cheery enough to wash away at least some of my unhappiness.

A minute later, Hey Soul Sister came on.

WOW. God is soooo...I don't know. He made every effort to talk to me and comfort me when I was upset right there washing dishes. He really cares for me..as a daughter that he hugs so closely to his heart.

is this thought too radical? i dont know

Live a life full of love like Jesus and people will kill you if they can.

armchair theoreticians

I just wrote this, like maybe five minutes ago. I'm hoping to get in to this desk for a monthly paper for my faculty where I get to write what I think. Putting it up here in case this article (or me) doesn't make the cut!

P.S.: I've switched to Century Gothic since UWGB found out that it is the most ecofriendly font (for the Roman alphabet). Saves 30% more ink than EcoFont. Oh but wait, Ecofont might save more paper than Century Gothic.

Armchair theoreticians

Daphne Tan

Each time a person stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, these ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.

Robert F. Kennedy

With knowledge comes empowerment, but often also deception and cynicism. At least that’s what I’ve realized in my own life.

I’m on to my final year now and I’ve learned so much about the world at FASS. It’s intellectually stimulating; I’ve become more appreciative and open-minded towards different opinions and personalities. But the knowledge pretty much stopped there – I was an armchair theoretician with nothing practical to offer humanity in return.

That troubled me. It is so easy to live in our own comfy little bubbles, a parallel universe where only people like us exist: college-educated, middle class, English-speaking, elitist, even…and ignore worldviews and lifestyles different from ours maybe because they seem to threaten our own. Not to mention the denigration and outrageous violence that is happening right here in Southeast Asia, to say the least.

We can evaluate to no end about social injustice, ideological and systemic failures, altruism, grassroots movements and so on, and yet have no compassion for the very people who are oppressed and suffer. Or we can get so caught up with fundraisers and volunteer projects and forget who and what they are meant for. Or judge others for not being as socially sensitive and active as we are, replacing compassion with anger to fuel us to help others.

Have we become too cynical for hope? Being hopeful doesn’t mean being starry-eyed, thinking that we wake up every morning to cotton candy and hot air balloons, and go to bed in Nevereverland. Maybe what true idealism means is to still believe that every of our small act of compassion counts, especially because the world sometimes seems to be too complicated and ugly: our good intentions turn stale or bad. We second-guess people and we assume things since we cannot know every thought of someone else. Theories may be so perfect in themselves, but we are not. All of us live with our own wounds, needs, and desires. Each one of us carries our own creativity, baggage, and personality. Change cannot happen unless we express our opinions about an issue and do something about it.

Have our eagerness to forgive and see the best in the worst of everything when we were kids corroded away into an ugly bitterness apparently justified by knowledge? Getting out of the comfort zone to know the Other takes courage, and sometimes your own friends might even raise eyebrows at you allegedly for being ‘weird’. Life is too short for us to be normal anyway. It’s too boring. With the school year starting again, I’d love to live increasingly by compassion than be contained in my own social recluse. Life like that is more real and exciting.

creating

With Daryl and Marcus on Sunday night, and Quen and Amelia behind the scene recording this. Thanks Quen for recording and editing the video!

I was introduced to Wordle, a simply ingenious online program that lets you create your own word clouds. I'm using these to draft up a flyer for my community's booth at the orientation fair on campus.

Titled Don't Worry

Ekklesia

And a final one before going to bed - my word cloud on what it means to follow Christ every day.

Alive Again